


A Change of Heart

by pandacwtch



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Trans Character, brief ryan/michael, theres mention of dyke in the first chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandacwtch/pseuds/pandacwtch
Summary: Sometimes life turns out as you planned. Sometimes life turns out different to what you planned. Sometimes someone you've been crushing on for months asks you out on a date even though you're both dating other people.Then, life gets a bit fucking weird.





	1. Chapter 1

one day you'll understand

what you mean to me

and when you do

you'll see

* * *

 

Typically, a heist doesn’t end in disaster.

 

Sure, The Fake AH Crew isn’t often known for heists going a hundred per cent to the plan; they’ll admit themselves that several times heists have not ended like they hoped they would. Heists fuck up. Stuff happens at the moment that you didn’t expect. That’s the normality for every crew within Los Angeles that's fighting to be the best crew in the city. Heists typically go for the following format: get in, get whatever you came for, get out as harm-free as you possibly can, celebrate. Only tonight’s heist hadn’t exactly gone with that plan.

 

Geoff had ordered everyone into a meeting two hours before the heist began. He insisted on the groups of who should be stuck with who; Michael with Jeremy, Lindsay with Gavin, Ryan with Jack and himself with Matt, Trevor and Alfredo. The plan was to rob some random bank that Matt had often notified Geoff on the lack of activity going on there, thinking it was a great idea to rob such a place to confuse the fuck out of the cops and have them question why a crew of their size and stature within LA would take on a bank with not really all that much going on.

 

The heist itself ended with Lindsay and Gavin shooting wildly from a rooftop opposite the bank, Michael and Jeremy talking in riddles to each other while Jeremy sits on nearby grass making Michael a daisy flower crown, Ryan and Jack arguing about something that happened pre-heist, Trevor and Alfredo trying to convince Matt to eat a chip that was currently covered in vomit and laid beside a dead rat and Geoff wanting to die. How Matt and Geoff successfully got any money from the bank was a miracle, and how no one died during the entirety of the heist was an unsolvable mystery in itself. But as soon as the heist was over with, Geoff and Ryan sat in the truck Ryan insisted on painting black last week and Lindsay lies on the floor while Jack treats a gunshot wound on her hip and Matt, Trevor and Alfredo buy McDonald’s for everyone- Gavin, Jeremy and Michael walking back to the van from where they all regrouped on the rooftop that Gavin and Lindsay had been upon the entirety of the heist.

 

Michael flaunts his daisy crown off to Gavin, who just completely ignores him. “Jeremy, did you see the way I killed that guy, Jeremy?” Gavin asks enthusiastically, poking his boyfriend's arm as Jeremy admires a text message on his phone of a photo of Alfredo and Matt holding McDonald’s- clearly uninterested in Gavin.

 

“Yep, you shot him real good pal.” Jeremy nods, wrapping his free arm around Gavin and pulling him closer to him. Jeremy smiles at the text, sending back something about how they should be there soon, putting his phone back in his jean pocket.

 

“Pal?” Michael questions, walking in front of them, “I thought pal was meant to be mean, insulting.” Michael laughs, "Like he's some random bloke, you hate him and want him to leave immediately."

 

Gavin laughs, listening to Jeremy try and defend his use of pal; watching Michael turn around and push Jeremy jokingly. Life without him would suck, Gavin thinks. Gavin knows. Gavin doesn't even doubt it for a second. He doesn't need to. Gavin has always and probably always will know that without Michael in his life, life would suck. There'd be no one to laugh with at dumb things he finds on the internet, argue with about stupid stuff he finds in newspapers when he does occasionally read them and someone to watch live his life; knowing damn well Gavin will be behind him in everything he does and every step of the way.

 

Gavin walks in front of them, watching as they both continue to argue about the word pal. Michael doesn't even know this. Doesn't think this. Probably doesn't even acknowledge that whenever he's around Gavin there's a feeling in the air, as though Gavin feels something he doesn't. As though he knows something he doesn't. As though Gavin understands what he thinks and feels about Michael, but Michael has no damn clue. Everyone's felt that feeling. Every single person they meet feels the feeling. Even random strangers in the street when they walk past them feel it. Everyone but Michael. Deep down Michael probably has some idea how much he means to Gavin if drunk Gavin's admissions of how much he cares about him are anything to go by. But he's Michael, so like fuck is he ever going to mention it.

 

They’re best friends, after all, Michael and Gavin. Gavin can still remember the day he and Michael came up with calling each other boi. They found it weird, even a little odd. But the closer they got, the more stupid shit they did together, the more the nickname stuck around. Now they both have it on something they wear every day. Gavin has boi engraved on a ring that stays on the middle finger of his right hand, Michael has boi on a custom-made patch that sits on the front left pocket of his jacket. They, of course, bought each other them for valentine’s day, the anniversary of when they first met.

 

After what seems like five hours of arguing about one single word, Jeremy wraps his arms around Gavin as he hears Michael yell at them from behind about how they should get a room, walking with them to the van they still can’t seem to find. Jeremy and Gavin have been dating for six months, celebrating their anniversary two days ago with cake and Mario party.

 

Besides each other, they haven’t really ever dated anyone else. Gavin’s had the odd fling, and Jeremy once jokingly attempted (and failed) to flirt with Michael while drunk one night. But besides that, nothing. So when Jeremy and Gavin - after months and months of back and forth flirting that was very obvious to everyone else around them yet oblivious to them - decided to finally give a relationship a go, they did.

 

A few cards, cheek kisses and date nights since. Nothing that big. They’re taking things slow and Jeremy hates public displays of affection. They have only had sex a handful of times in comparison to the other couples within the crew- Geoff and Jack & Michael and Ryan Even though they get teased constantly about their relationship and lack thereof of anything even relative to constant intimacy, they still remain an item.

 

The trio walks around a corner to an alley, somewhere the van clearly isn’t- but somewhere Michael’s GPS is saying Jack’s phone - and the van to take them to the penthouse - is. All three of them see a guy on his own, leaning up against a dumpster in a dark blue hoodie, blue skinny jeans and white converse. They decide to ignore him. They guy, on the other hand, laughs when they pass him. Michael stops, causing Gavin and Jeremy to stop in their tracks. They all turn to face the guy as he laughs again, pulling his hood up to cover his bald head. “You,” He mutters, pointing at Gavin and Jeremy, “Purple shitface and gold cunt,” He laughs again, dropping his hood back and grabbing a half-empty vodka bottle that was beside his feet. “You some dykes or some shit?”

 

That’s it. That’s all he needs. It takes one wrong word to be fired at Jeremy and Gavin for Michael to immediately run up to the dude, grabbing the vodka bottle off of him and slamming it into his head; the guy falling to the ground as Gavin squawks. “Yeah!” Michael yells at the guy who lies motionless on the floor, throwing the remaining bottle in his hands away from them as he kicks the guy in the stomach, the bottle smashing as he feels Jeremy trying to pull him back away from him. Michael kicks him again. “Who’s the cunt now, dickwad!” Michael screams, kicking him yet again. He listens as Jeremy tries to convince him to leave, to walk away, to forget the guy even existed.

 

“Michael, Michael,” Jeremy groans, attempting to pull Michael away; with little to no success, “Come on!” He yells, pulling again as Gavin can only watch in horror.

 

“One more.” Michael smiles, kicking the guy in the nuts, emitting a low groan from the guy whose hands now slowly move towards his crotch to cover it, cowering as he shuffles around the floor, trying to find some sort of comfort on the concrete. “Motherfucker.” Michael turns away from him and walks away, Jeremy and Gavin swiftly following behind. They watch as Michael licks his hand that held the bottle, a cut upon his thumb. Michael laughs, turning to face them as he continues to walk- just backwards now. “That was amazing!” Michael yells, holding up his bloody thumb. “After all, I'll still walk around and parade this for at least a month!” He giggles to himself, lowering his hand and smiling. “The girls are gonna swoon!” Michael laughs still, turning back around and walking still, a spring in his step.

 

“Jeremy called you Michael.” Gavin points out. Jeremy mutters a curse as Michael’s spring in his step stops as he remembers that - yes, stupidly - Jeremy did indeed call Michael, Michael. It’s one of the rules Fake AH Crew have, aptly called the nickname rule. The rules states you should only call anyone their nickname before or after a heist and to only call them the nickname while wearing heist appropriate outfits. In summary, don’t call them their actual name during any of this. Don't do what Jeremy just did.

 

Michael shrugs, “Name same, big deal.” Michael laughs, attempting to clear the tension in the air- failing. “He called you both.” He stops himself, not wanting to repeat what was said back then. He runs a hand through the curls in his hair as he sighs. “Look ok, I was angry. Just don’t tell anyone and we’re fine.” Jeremy and Gavin silently agree.

 

They finally return to the van to see Ryan, Jack and Geoff outside of it eating McDonald’s as Matt, Trevor, Alfredo and Lindsay hold their orders and eat them together while the lads' orders lay on the floor beside them all. Jack waves as Gavin enthusiastically waves back at her. “Sup fuckers!” Ryan yells with McDonald’s muffling his voice. “All good?” He asks them, “Only Jack said she heard yelling earlier.” Michael asses the arrangement on the floor; determined to find out which McDonald’s food is his.

 

“Jeremy called Michael his name in front of a guy who Michael then kicked in the nuts for calling Jeremy and I a bad word,” Gavin admits. He looks at the lads, realising. Gavin frowns and looks away from Jack.

 

Michael opens his order, “Oh sweet, McRibs!” He yells, looking over at Alfredo and Trevor. “Is this Christmas?!”

 

“Michael, why?” Matt asks him as Michael starts eating a rib.

 

“As Gavin says,” Jeremy begins, voice already muffled from the Big Mac he’s eating, “Called us two a bad word.”

 

“Ryan?” Gavin asks, getting his McDonald’s from the floor.

 

“Gavin?” Ryan asks him, putting his food onto his lap so he can continue eating after Gavin stops questioning him.

 

“I was thinking this during the heist- you know, as you do.” Ryan nods along, pretending to have any idea of where this conversation is going. “But uhhh," Gavin mutters, "What’s the definition of idiot?”

 

“Gavin Free,” Ryan admits expressionless as everyone laugh; Gavin, frowning again. Ryan laughs, taking his order from his lap and continuing to eat.

 

“First a guy calls me the d-word, now you’re calling me an idiot!” Gavin yells at him.

 

“D-word?” Trevor asks dumping his food wrapping into a nearby bin as he runs a hand through his hair. “You’re really upset because someone called you a dick?” Trevor sighs, walking back over to the group as Alfredo hands him his McDonald’s to put in the bin- smiling at him as Trevor returns to the bin and dumps Alfredo’s food wrapping in it. “You get called worse in the crew, let alone from other crews.” He walks back on over to the group as he sighs, Alfredo mouthing a thank you as Trevor nods back at him.

 

“Dyke,” Jack mutters, looking over at Gavin. “That’s what was said, right?” Michael looks at Jeremy and Gavin, sighing. Jeremy and Gavin silently eat as Michael nods. Geoff kisses Jack’s forehead then stands up from his seat beside her, walking up to Gavin. “Yeah, you get used to it,” Jack shrugs as Ryan wraps an arm around her, holding out his food wrapping for Trevor to put in the bin. “Even if you are guys.” Trevor takes Ryan and Jack’s food wrappers, muttering something about how he’s the cleanest person in the crew, as Geoff wraps an arm around Gavin for support; kissing his forehead.

 

Jeremy shrugs, shaking his head. “No problem for me though.” He admits, pointing at the hair on his head. “I’m shaving this off as soon as I find a shaver that’ll do the job right,” He ruffles his own hair and laughs at how it falls; covering his eyes. “I hate how hard this purple and orange shit is to maintain anyway, and maybe then I won’t get mistaken for shit like that!”

 

Gavin moves out of Geoff’s arm and approaches Jeremy, wrapping an arm around him as he smirks. “Bald?” Gavin asks, smirking as Jeremy nods. Gavin smiles, pulling Jeremy towards him and kissing his hair.

 

Geoff moves so he can see Gavin’s face, “Yep, I know that look, keep your dick firmly in your shorts Gavin!”

 

Everyone else laughs as Gavin goes bright red, letting go of Jeremy and pushing Geoff away from him. “Geoff!!”  He yells as Jeremy laughs beside him. Gavin tries to wrap his arms around Jeremy, who moves away from him. Gavin frowns. He knows about Jeremy’s lack of PDA, but sometimes he just needs something, anything.

 

“Reeeeejected!” Lindsay yells, arms in the air as her McDonald’s lays beside her on the floor, “Rejected!” She yells again, pointing at Gavin- who is still trying desperately to wrap his arms around Jeremy. “Yeah, you just got rejected!” Everyone in the crew watches her, no one having any idea what’s going on. “R-E,J-E,C-T-E-D, REJECTED! Woohoo!” She cheers as everyone still watches in confusion. “What, did none of y’all watch Zoey 101 growing up?” Matt then pipes up about how he once saw Zoey 101 - commercials for it, not the actual show - as everyone discusses other shit within several different conversations.

 

Jeremy laughs, looking at Gavin. “Gavin, don’t even try it.” Jeremy sighs, turning to face him, “I know that look, and you couldn’t pay me all the money in the world to shave your hair off.” Gavin sighs as Jeremy places a hand in Gavin’s hair, “I can’t get rid of this, look at it.” He runs his hand through it as Gavin closes his eyes and smiles, leaning into the touch. “Do you understand now?” Gavin nods, wrapping his arms tight around the smaller man. Jeremy cringes, but leans into Gavin when he realises no one else is paying attention; kissing his cheek. “Is this making you wanna fall asleep?” Gavin nods, Jeremy kisses Gavin’s cheek again, chuckling slightly at how much PDA he was currently doing so boldly in front of everyone; who still were focused on their own conversations.

 

“Stay,” Gavin mutters, leaning slightly away from Jeremy so he can look him in the eye, “At the penthouse tonight.” He smiles, kissing his chin. “Geoff won’t mind, nor will Jack and Ryan won’t even notice if you come back with me.” Jeremy smiles. “I want it,” Gavin says, holding onto Jeremy’s shoulder, falling down to find his free hand and holding it. “I want you”

 

Jeremy smiles, “Was that affection?” He asks, gasping, “From Gavin Free, Mr I don’t show feelings!”

 

“Oi,” Gavin mutters, “I can take back my invite you know!” They both stand to laugh for a few minutes- Jeremy looking at the way Gavin’s eyes light up and his mouth slightly curves, Gavin admiring Jeremy’s face crunkling like paper, wondering how either of them ever felt anything but complete adoration for each other. Gavin laughs, “ Mr I don’t show feelings and Mr I don’t like PDA, what a duo.”

 

Jeremy laughs, “But Gavin,” He sighs, “If we do this.” He looks away, unsure of how to say it. “Ok.” He composes himself, looking back at Gavin. “Gav, no matter what, if you wanna stop, get something to eat, just play games, whatever. We can stop. I won’t force you to do anything.” Gavin nods, leaning into Jeremy and kissing his cheek. He knows. Deep down Gavin does know. “I won’t force anything,” Jeremy laughs, “I do like you after all.”

 

Gavin moves away from Jeremy and smiles, “Only like?” He asks, winking.

 

Jeremy sticks his tongue out at him, “Don’t push it, Free.” He laughs, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his forehead, playing with his hair, “I’m already staying over.”

 

* * *

 

 

Sometimes, much like a heist, Gavin’s life doesn’t go as planned.

 

After inviting Jeremy back to stay at the penthouse (where only he, Geoff, Jack and Ryan sleep) neither really expected anything; Jeremy assumed no grand gesture, not really taking it slow. Jeremy assumed Gavin’s idea of taking Jeremy back to the penthouse would be going into his room, watching tv, eating food and playing video games. What Jeremy (or Gavin for that matter) did not expect was to open the penthouse doors to Ryan and Michael sat together in the living room and ogling the television; the spare, currently empty couch place behind them. Michael stands, holding two Switch controllers in the air and waving them at the both of them.

 

Jeremy and Gavin look at each other, sigh and then walk over to Michael; taking a controller each and sitting behind them. Ryan holds out a box of doughnuts as Gavin takes one covered in gold sprinkles and Jeremy watches the character selection screen currently on the television. “Mario party?” Jeremy asks, looking towards the doughnuts; taking one covered in fuschia flowers. “Doughnuts?” Jeremy laughs, “What’s going on?”

 

“It’s super Mario part!” Gavin yells, wrapping an arm around him and kissing his forehead, “It’ll be so much better!” Jeremy sighs, eating his doughnut as Michael takes a red covered doughnut and eats it, waiting for everyone to finish eating before they begin.

 

Ryan picks Boo after complaining about far too long about how Dry Bones isn’t unlocked yet (earning him an “I literally bought the game 20 minutes ago, Ryan” from Michael), Gavin picks Wario, Michael chooses Yoshi and after somewhat careful deliberation Jeremy goes with Luigi- promising he’ll often get confused between who is Wario and who is Luigi, insisting that whenever he plays with Gavin he’s often Luigi and Gavin’s almost always Birdo.

 

After several minigames (all of which anyone who won as a group failed to successfully high-five together and get extra coins), Geoff interrupting Gavin’s turn six to fart on him and Jack walking in with a drunk Lindsay who swings a box of hair dye in the air like it’s wine- they finish the game. As expected, Michael wins with five stars, 108 coins and two allies. Gavin’s second with three stars, 4 coins and one ally. Ryan’s third with one star and 87 coins and Jeremy’s last with no stars and 16 coins. Jeremy sighs while Michael runs around the room chanting his last name and throwing his fist into the air, proud of his victory.

 

“That last game was horse shit!” Jeremy yells, head in his hands as Gavin wraps an arm around him in an attempt to comfort him. “I got beat by Ryan for fuck's sake!” He yells- pointing at Ryan who’s now in the kitchen, “Ryan!”

 

Michael, who has now stopped running around the room, collapses onto the couch he had been sitting on for the entirety of the game, “Hey come on now, I haven’t been training him for weeks for you to beat him!”

 

Geoff laughs from the kitchen table, scrolling through his phone text messages, “There was me thinking you two did something else behind closed doors.”

 

Geoff’s laughter is interrupted by Lindsay and Jack yelling from the bathroom, Lindsay proudly swaying back and forth as she leaves the bathroom; sporting dark brown hair and waving her hands in the air, “Seeee!” She laughs as Jack enters the room, holding a box of hair dye. “It’s all good Jaaackkkkk!” She encourages, turning to face Jack and smiling.

 

“Lindsay, you didn’t do a patch test!” Gavin lets go of Jeremy and begins to google if you have to do a patch test to dye your hair.

 

“Patch smatch!” Lindsay yells, waving her hand in the air, “It’ll be fine!” She spins around to face the others, stumbling. “Oh, though I’m not very sober.” She giggles to herself as Jack sighs. 

 

Gavin’s internet freezes as he sighs, his question of if Lindsay really did need to do a patch test stays undetermined. Jeremy stands up, “Don’t worry Jack, I’ll take her home. Super Mario whatever the fuck it’s called tired me out and her place aren’t too far from mine.”

 

Lindsay runs over to the Mario crew as Jeremy moves out from the couch and holds her arm, “Come on Lindsay, let’s take you home, yeah?”

 

Lindsay nods, “Home...it’s where the people are”

 

Jeremy laughs, wrapping her arm around him, “It sure is”

 

* * *

 

A usual morning in the penthouse can be summarised up by two words: Sleep, toast. Typically that means that everyone else is asleep and Jack is making toast. Most days don’t usually start with Gavin being the first one awake, the one who makes toast and sits eating it while quietly listening to the radio as Jack wakes up to make herself and the others toast. But that’s how today starts.

 

Gavin couldn’t sleep, of course. He was kept up all night thinking about Jeremy, himself, himself and Jeremy. He’s been like this for a few weeks, questioning their relationship and if him questioning is a sign or just his brain being garbage. He hasn’t yet figured out. It played on his mind so much normally but last night it did so much so that he did nothing all night but work on heist prep.

 

Jack asks what's wrong but Gavin doesn’t reply, just looks away from her and sighs. Gavin knows stuffs been weird for a bit. Yeah, sure, a couple who aren’t as intimate as other couples is pretty fucking weird. But Gavin and Jeremy agreed to that, agreed to it being what they’d stay with. But Gavin can‘t do it. He can’t stay in a relationship where there’s this gap.  Geoff and Ryan soon wake up and the four of them are eating toast when Jack mentions that Gavin was the first one awake. Again, Jack asks what’s wrong and Gavin doesn’t reply. He looks away from everyone and silently eats as Geoff tries to reassure him that whatever's went on he shouldn’t keep it bottled up. But he can’t. Gavin can’t just say what he feels like that like everyone else does.

 

Eventually, everyone else arrives at the penthouse as Jack clears the plates of toast crumbs and crusts away from the table as Geoff explains that today is everyone's day off.

 

“Awesome,” Lindsay waves from the couch, sunglasses covering her eyes and a beanie covering her recently dyed hair, “I can try sleep away this hangover.”

 

Matt, Alfredo and Trevor ask Jeremy what he’s doing and if he and Gavin have plans. “I was just gonna work on heist stuff,” Jeremy says, “You go do whatever.”

 

“You sure, lil J?” Gavin asks, “I can help if you need it.”

 

“I’d rather just work on my own today,” Jeremy admits, shrugging as he makes Gavin a coffee, “I’m hungover and it just... helps, you know.”

 

“Sure buddy,” Gavin nods, turning to face Matt, Alfredo and Trevor. “Alright fellas, what's the plan?” Jeremy watches as Gavin smiles with glee listening to Alfredo explain the ridiculous plan he and Trevor came up with this morning while Matt asks Jack about her plans. Turns out, Jacks plans are going to an aquarium with Geoff. Geoff talks in great detail about how he doesn’t really like sharks, but he’ll go because Jack likes aquariums. “Hopefully there are no snakes, Geoff!” Gavin laughs at his own joke.

 

“There are no snakes in aquariums, Gavin!” Geoff yells, then cowering in his seat at the kitchen table as Jeremy sits down at the table after handing Gavin his coffee. “Th-There’s no...snakes in aquariums...right?” He asks. Everyone laughs, Jack reassuring him that if there are snakes she’ll beat them up for him. Geoff smiles and wraps an arm around Jack’s waist, “What would I do without you?” Michael’s quick to agrees to join Matt, Alfredo, Trevor and Gavin after little to no persuasion and before long the only people left in the penthouse are Ryan and Jeremy; who are both still sat at the kitchen table.

 

Ryan stands up and grabs a diet coke from the fridge, about to leave when Jeremy sits up from his slouch in the chair. “Ryan?” Jeremy asks.

 

Ryan stops in his tracks, turning to face him. “Jeremy?”

 

“What’s...the norm?” He asks him.

 

Ryan frowns. “The...norm?”

 

“Yeah.” Jeremy shrugs, sighing. “You know, for a relationship.”

 

Ryan shrugs, “Why are you asking me?”

 

Jeremy adjusts his legs so now they’re both on the chair and his knees are by his chest. “Well, you and Michael seem to be great so I thought you’d know” Ryan sighs, sitting back onto the chair he was originally sat on earlier. “Is it normal to be slow?” Jeremy blurts out his question. He sighs again. “To...To not do anything quick..to just..to be slow. Is that the norm?”

 

Ryan shrugs again, looking around the room, “Depends on what your norm is.”

 

“What if you don’t know what your norm is?” Jeremy asks him.

 

Ryan sighs, “Look, Jeremy, being slow is fine. Whether it be days, weeks, months, even years before you do anything drastic; as long as you’re ready when you do it, it’s fine, yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” Jeremy nods.

 

Ryan frowns, “Has...Has Gavin been..trying to force stuff?”

 

Jeremy frantically shakes his head, “God, no!” He yells. “But..” He trails off, running a hand through his still unshaven hair. “Sure I haven’t dated many people, nor has he, and we don’t really want to go a hundred miles an hour. But something is better than nothing, right?”

 

“Right,” Ryan nods, “Jeremy...I..” Ryan sighs, “Maybe you should talk to him about this instead of me.” Ryan takes a sip of the diet coke then smiles, “I mean, did you even ask why he wanted to wait?” Silence fills the room as Ryan shakes his head, “That’ll be a no”

 

“I told him some stuff, and he agreed to not rush me.” Jeremy sighs, “But I’d rather be rushed if this is us taking it slow.”

\

“Jeremy,” Ryan begins, “He’s being careful and slow because of whatever you told him. Just tell him you’ve changed your mind.” Ryan stands, holding his now condensation-ridden diet coke in his hand. “If he reacts badly, doesn’t want to go fast or whatever; you’ll figure out.” Ryan pushes the chair so it's under the table, “You don’t know until you ask”

 

Jeremy smiles, “Thanks, Ryan.”

 

“Happy to help, Jeremy.”

 

* * *

 

 

Trap. The meaning of which can either be to catch (an animal) in a trap, or alternatively trick or deceive (someone) into doing something contrary to their interests. But this isn't the type of trapped Ryan Haywood feels. There's a big difference between being trapped like an animal, human being, etc vs being trapped within your mind. It's usually what people with depression or any other mental disorder feel. They don't realise it a lot of the time, but they're trapped in their brain. The brain that gives negative thoughts. The brain that refuses to have positivity inside of it. A brain that won't believe you're as great as other people say that you are because it hates you because it's making you believe that you should hate you because in actual reality no one likes you. Which is wrong.

 

Ryan deals with it though. He does the usual like register with a local doctor and therapist whenever they're in a new place in case he ever needs to just vent to someone. He goes through all the regular checks with them. They understand the crew so he can say whatever and it won't go anywhere- some type of patient confidentiality (and also Geoff pays them a lot of money not to repeat anything he says to anyone.) Ryans glad of this because he often chooses therapists and doctors who are recommended by Geoff because they typically already know the crew and won't be surprised if Ryan admitted something like how he killed 200 people in an hour because he was sad and wanted to see if it made him any happier. It didn't.

 

Though other members of the crew have insisted he can talk to them, Ryan doesn't. He doesn't want to burden them with his thoughts and is afraid that if he does say what's happening within his brain then they'll leave and they're his friends and his work colleagues; he doesn't want any of them to leave him because of who he is and what his brain is like. Instead, he spends a lot of money to sit in a small room while someone listens to him vent about everything and anything going on currently. A lot of people within the crew seem to tread on eggshells a lot around him. No one will make the usual jokes about how Ryan often looks upset or doesn't seem too excited about something they're doing compared to other people in the crew; typically Gavin, who screams in happiness almost every single time they do absolutely anything.

 

Gavin's told Ryan several times that he's been like that. Ryan didn't ask for details, but when Gavin admitted it he was shocked. A person like Gavin Free, so happy and giggly and carefree as him. He used to be like this. Used to feel like this. Used to have the same daily thoughts and voice in his brain telling him he's wrong and that everyone hates him. That was two months ago and Ryan still hasn't gotten over Gavin's admission and often looks at him during everyday life, seems him smile and laugh at something stupid Jeremy has probably said and realises that could be him. That can be him. But he's trapped. As much as he looks at every other member of the crew, laughing and giggling and falling onto the floor and rolling around in tears after someone says a stupid joke, he can't help but just slightly smile and not react with as such joy as everyone else.

 

No one knew at first. When Ryan joined he didn't even show his face without the mask, and when anyone new like Jeremy arrived and started working there he'd put the mask on again until he could trust them. They only knew when Jack made a joke about how everyone else had laughed and cheered at a joke about Fakehaus, but Ryan hadn't. His face didn't move. He didn't react. Didn't laugh like Jack. Didn't chuckle like Geoff. Didn't fall on the floor wheezing like Jeremy. Didn't yell "JACK!" in shock as Gavin did. Didn't laugh, clap and agree with the joke as Michael did. He just sat there. It was as if he was in a completely different room and hadn't heard the joke. That's when everyone learned. Well, when he admitted that he wasn't ok but he couldn't understand what exactly was wrong with him. That's when Geoff first recommended a therapist.

 

When the crew started getting bigger and bigger and bigger every single piece of writing about each person within the crew always wrote Ryan as different to everyone else. Psychotic. Maniac. Insane. Mad. Cruel. One even labelled him as sick in the head when it was revealed how he brutally murdered someone. It didn't help the thoughts he has because his brain started to agree. He knows he's not that. The crew knows he's not that. People know he's not that. But from an outside perspective, that's what he's perceived as. A maniac. Psycho. Insanity. Cruel. Mad. Sick. He's mentally sick, sure. But he's not a psycho. He's not that cruel. He's not particularly insane. He's occasionally mad but that's only a persona to scare the people who try to fight with the crew; typically, Fakehaus.

 

If Ryan - who hasn’t taken a pill in several days and hasn’t seen a therapist in two weeks - had to name one place he would never want to be in his entire life right now, it would be one of the local carnivals that randomly pop up in different places at various times of the year. So, of course, Gavin suggests that's where they all go tonight. To have fun. To eat so much cotton candy they're sick and to go on so many rides that afterwards, they lie down on the floor for a few minutes in an attempt to compose themselves. Because Gavin thinks that this is a good idea. Thinks this is fun. Thinks it's a great way to bond. Everyone agrees. That is, everyone but Ryan.

 

Gavin's dragging Ryan out of the van by the sleeve of his arm while everyone else walks in front of them. "Ryyyyaaan!!!" Gavin yells, still dragging him, "It'll be fun, Ryyaaaannnn!" He attempts to encourage Ryan that - despite wanting to be anywhere else right now - it'll be fun. Fun. Ryan wants to laugh at how oblivious Gavin is sometimes, this being one of them. Ryan doesn't really get why he of all people is though; no one else is dragging him into this place, and no one else in the crew is really paying attention to either of them.

 

"Gavin, he hates theme parks!" Jack yells back at them, "Just let him walk by himself." Gavin lets go of Ryan, says sorry and walks beside him; talking about anything but theme parks to take his mind off of it. When they get to a spot where they can all stand, Jack, claps her hands. "So you all have money individually, please spend it wisely and not on something stupid.” Jack sighs, reminding herself of when Jeremy came to a carnival with the crew for the first time and bought a white cowboy hat. “We'll see you all back here in two hours!" Everyone agrees and goes their separate ways- Jack and Geoff head off one way, Gavin follows Michael, Jeremy follows Gavin and Ryan follows Jeremy.

 

* * *

 

 

It's a few hours later when Ryan truly realises just how much he hates tonight. They're stood where they said they'd meet Jack and Geoff and things with Ryan and the lads have developed in the little hours they’ve spent together. Gavin's eaten so much cotton candy he can feel his insides screaming, Jeremy's dizzy from the rollercoasters, Michael's managed to drink far too much alcohol that was on offer and Ryan's just fucking done with everyone. Ryan might have finally decided he was done when Jeremy 20 minutes ago complained he couldn't see something everyone else could see, taking it upon himself to put him on his shoulders so he could see. So now Ryan's stood with Jeremy's legs either side of his head and his hands in his hair, Gavin on the right of him crying about his stomach and Michael on his left side pointing up at the sky and singing.

 

"This is the worst," Ryan says when they reconnect with Geoff and Jack - who was winning every game they could find. In fact, Jack's won so many prizes she's had to get Geoff to carry some; a gigantic teddy bear covering his face.

 

Jack laughs, "Aw Geoff, look!" Geoff moves out of the teddy bears ass and laughs, "It's like a man and his three idiot brothers!"

 

"Does that make us the parents?" Geoff asks, looking at her. Jack nods. "Ok, just don't ever call me daddy," Geoff looks around, "Well, here anyway."

 

"Gross!" Michael yells, shaking his head, "Brother Michael's gonna fucking vomit."

 

"Please stop talking about vomit," Gavin mutters. So, of course, Michael makes fake gagging noises, causing Jeremy to also make gagging noises and causing Gavin to throw up all over the floor- and onto Ryan's shoes.

 

Ryan sighs, "Nevermind, this is the worst."

 

After cleaning his shoes in the bathroom sink with Michael drunkenly watching him and singing Sweet Caroline, Ryan is definitely, absolutely, completely fucking done. He practically drags Michael out of the bathroom and throws him into Gavin's arms so they can finally leave this goddamn place together. On the way home, Jack explains in great detail to Gavin about every prize she won, Geoff attempts to flirt with Michael and give him the teddy bear; who calls him a fucking idiot, Jeremy's returned to Ryan's shoulders as fireworks go off in the distance and Ryan just wants to go to bed. "So," Ryan begins, turning to look at Gavin, "It'll be fun, Ryyaaaannnn!" Ryan imitates Gavin from hours ago as everyone laughs, "How accurate was that?"

 

Gavin shrugs, "Everyone else had fun." Gavin laughs, "Sure, I threw up, Geoff's forced to hold a teddy bear the entire way home, Michael's drunk, Jeremy's absolutely going to throw up after and you hate everything that happened tonight." Gavin sighs, "But this was exactly what I wanted. Not for it to go perfect, cause when has anything with us gone swimmingly. But for us to just hang out. Hang out as a crew. Hang out as the family Jack always says we are."

 

"Aww, Gavin!" Jack smiles, wrapping an arm around Gavin and kissing his head. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said!"

 

"Hey!" Gavin yells, pushing Jack's arm off of him, "I can be nice!" Everyone laughs at that. "What?" Gavin frowns, "I can be nice!"

 

Ryan wraps an arm around Gavin and pulls him towards him. "You know, you have a point. Sure this sucked, my shoes smell of sick, Jeremy is absolutely pulling out my hair by how hard he's gripping it and every single time someone on a rollercoaster going past me screamed I wanted to try and find my gun to shoot them." Ryan shrugs. "But it was fun. Not at all for me; but for you lot. Michael had fun, he's drunk, of course, he did. Jeremy had fun, looked at some fireworks from my shoulders. Jack had fun winning every single prize she possibly could. Geoff had fun watching her win the prizes. You had fun experiencing your first proper carnival. I had fun watching you lot." Ryan laughs, letting go of Gavin. "Happy now, Gavin?"

 

Gavin smiles, wrapping one arm around Ryan and the other around Michael. "Absolutely. Because Jack's right after all." Jack smiles at this. "Sure we're complicated, sure we're idiots and sure nothing really makes all that much sense. But we're a family."

 

"A pretty fucked up family," Michael mutters, leaning into Gavin and kissing his cheek as everyone laughs at his comment. "But sometimes even the normal families are fucked up, so it’s fine.”

 

* * *

 

 

A month before he started to date Gavin, Jeremy came out to the crew. Not coming out as in gay- practically all the crew in their own way, shape and form aren’t 100% straight. But as transgender. He’d had the odd and occasional hint as being trans; such as when they all went to a swimming pool and he wouldn’t take off his shirt, or when he declined to play strip poker despite everyone else agreeing to play. But only when he admitted it, showing his upper scars and explaining did everyone finally get it, did everyone understand. Even then he told Ryan before Gavin, someone who he adored and at the time secretly wanted to date.

 

Jeremy wakes up on his own in his apartment to his phone buzzing under his pillow. He sighs, taking the phone out from under him. He looks at the phone and immediately answers it. “Ryan?!” Jeremy asks, sat up and already attempting to put a shoe on with one hand, “What’s happened?!”

 

“Happened?” Ryan asks, laughing, “Nothing’s happened, Jeremy.”

 

Jeremy stops trying to put his shoes on. “But you never ring me.” Jeremy shakes his head, "Not since the last time." Jeremy recalls the last time Ryan rung him on a day off. Gavin had gotten injured and, though he was crying out for Geoff, Ryan rung Jeremy.

 

Ryan sighs, "Precisely, I only do it for special occasions. Or when someone might die. But this is special, I promise!”

 

“Ryan," Jeremy begins, "What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“Geoff said we have to go on some lunch thing together. I don’t really remember why, just that it had to be today.”

 

“Lunch?” Jeremy sighs, “God, what fucking time is it?”

 

“Just gone noon.” Jeremy sighs, “How does 1 sound?”

 

“Sure,” Jeremy stands up from his bed, “Where though?”

 

“I think Geoff sorted it out himself.” Ryan shrugs, then realises Jeremy can’t see him shrug and laughs, “Some local place in town that his friend runs.”

 

“Another one?” Jeremy asks, “He has far too many friends.”

 

"They help out a bit."

 

"They help out more than a bit," Jeremy mutters. Ryan laughs and Jeremy can't help but laugh back. It's nice, just laughing like this. Jeremy can't recall the last time he properly laughed, can't remember the last time he laughed and didn't have to fake it.

 

"Anyway, I'll be at yours about 1."

 

"What?" Jeremy asks, "You don't even know where I live. how the fuck do you plan on getting here?"

 

"Oh," Ryan laughs, "You think I don't know where you live? That's cute."

 

"You're fucking weird."

 

"I thought you already knew that." Jeremy rolls his eyes. "Anyway, just be ready for one."

 

"Got it, boss."

 

"Odd, I don't remember being turned into Geoff."

 

Jeremy laughs, "If you're still calling Geoff the boss of the crew then yeah, maybe you are fucking weird."

 

"Maybe?" Jeremy can hear the fucking smirk on his goddamn face.

 

"Bye, Ryan."

 

Ryan laughs, "Bye, Jeremy."

 

* * *

 

 

 

What would've sped up the process of getting ready would have been if Ryan had given Jeremy even just an inkling of where they were going, how fancy it was if it was at all and how much he was going to dress up. Also, he could've specified when he would randomly appear outside his place. He said about 1. Now it's five minutes to one, Ryan's knocking on his door and Jeremy's walking around in his underwear. Great. Absolutely fucking fantastic. "Hold on!" Jeremy yells, looking around the room for something, anything to just throw on. He grabs a shirt of Gavin's that absolutely doesn't fit him and just about reaches his knees. He's fine with it. He messes with the hair on his head he'll eventually shave off, he swears. He opens his door to Ryan. Fucking Ryan.

 

Stood in jeans, some t-shirt of foreign words Jeremy cannot understand and a leather jacket. Of fucking course. "A leather jacket?" Jeremy asks, leaning to the side so Ryan can pass, "Some people really do never change."

 

"Just a shirt?" Ryan asks, squeezing past him, "Some people do change." Jeremy sighs, walking into his place and shutting the door as Ryan looks around. "A cat?" Ryan asks, looking at a pile of cat toys Jeremy forgot to put away.

 

"Booker," Jeremy mutters, shrugging, "Neighbour looks after him a lot, but he's my cat still."

 

"DeWitt?" Ryan asks, now holding one of the cat toys.

 

"Does it matter?" Jeremy asks, retreating to his bedroom to finally actually find something to wear.

 

"Well," Ryan begins, dropping the cat toy and  following him, "I quite like the games."

 

"Am I meant to congratulate you for playing a game?" Jeremy leans against the closet and looks up at him, "You do know people play games right? Everyone in the crew actually. It's not really that obscure."

 

"No one else in the crew has ever played Bioshock."

 

Jeremy shrugs, "Probably not," Jeremy stops leaning on the closet and opens it, browsing it for something to wear, "But that doesn't mean the first person who does is gonna talk about it with you."

 

"You just seem to like it," Ryan shrugs.

 

"No shit, I wouldn't name my cat after a character otherwise." Jeremy sighs, turning Ryan around so he can’t see him and throwing the shirt to the other side of the room. "Well this fucking dates gonna go well if we're already arguing."

 

"Date?" Ryan asks as Jeremy puts on a shirt and some bottoms, nothing too fancy.

 

"Work date, moron." Jeremy closes his closet door, "It's the same thing right?"

 

"Sure.”

 

"You don't seem that confident."

 

* * *

 

They finally arrive at the place in question, Jeremy holding firmly onto his head as they're both sat down at a table together. The place is somewhat fancy, but neither of them particularly care that they stick out like a sore thumb. "I'm never driving on the back of your bike again for as long as I live," Jeremy mutters, resting his head on the table.

 

Ryan laughs, "Then how do you plan on getting back?"

 

"I'll learn how to fly. I'll gain superhuman speed. I'll phone Jack." Jeremy lifts his head from the table and sighs, "I'll do anything so I don't have to go on that death trap again."

 

They spend the rest of the meal like this. Laughing. Joking. Annoying a lot of the people they're sat near. They don't care though. Jeremy can't remember the last time he laughed so much his face hurt. But he does. He doesn't care. They talk about everything and anything. Work. Relationships. Working relationships. Though, only when Jeremy and Ryan safely make it to Jeremy's house with no bike in sight does he tell him.

 

"We broke up," Ryan mutters as soon as they stop walking, "I didn't want to mention it and bring the mood down," Ryan shrugs, "I seem to be doing that a lot lately."

 

Jeremy smiles, wrapping his arms around him. The hugs a little awkward, the height doesn't help that. But Ryan appreciates it. He wanted a hug, he just didn't want to ask for one. "It's fine, Ry." Jeremy begins, looking up at him, "If not now then eventually it will be." Jeremy smiles and Ryan smiles back.

 

They stay like this for a bit, just stood hugging and smiling at each other. It calms Ryan down enough that he eventually waves goodbye and walks away to retrieve his bike from outside the restaurant. Jeremy walks into his apartment smiling for the first time in a year.


	2. Chapter 2

we stay out late

come home early

this isn't life

this is a dream, surely

 

* * *

 

Ryan immediately steals a doughnut from the box Jack places onto the kitchen table, receiving several groans from Lindsay and Michael who insist he chose the best one; chocolate covered with golden flakes. A few Gavin jokes get thrown around as usual, and everyone carries on choosing their own doughnuts. Since everyone went to the carnival, they never really did have time to talk about their day off adventures; so had arrived at the penthouse early to discuss.

 

Geoff and Jack went to the aquarium (during which a kid carried a toy snake around, Geoff freaked out, Jack ripped it in two and they both got kicked out), Lindsay didn’t sleep; gaining a headache due to her neighbour having people drill pictures to a wall all day, Michael, Matt, Gavin, Alfredo and Trevor all celebrated several wins due to Alfredo’s sharp-shooting abilities at games he somehow gained from somewhere, Ryan read two books and Jeremy did nothing but think about what Ryan said.

 

Realistically, Jeremy should tell Gavin. Sit him down away from the crew. Explain what’s going on for him and why he keeps very noticeably looking at him with doubt in his eyes, as though Gavin did something wrong. He should tell him his side of things. But he can’t. So instead, he watches Gavin who’s sat at the kitchen table watching Matt and Ryan fight over the last doughnut, while he himself is sat on the couch in-between Geoff and Michael. Lindsay's opposite Gavin, cheering on Ryan.

 

“Gross,” Geoff mutters, picking up a diet Pepsi from the coffee table, “Who fights over a doughnut?”

 

“Ryan and Matt. Duh, the fattest people in the crew.” Michael laughs, taking a sip of his beer. Geoff laughs. Michael nudges Jeremy, his expressionless face not changing when he does. “What’s up?” Michael asks him, “Gavin not said some dumb shit has he?” Michael laughs, "You know, more than usual."

 

“No,” Jeremy shakes his head.

 

Geoff sits forward and places the diet Pepsi back onto the coffee table, placing an arm on Jeremy’s back in support, “Then what’s wrong?” He asks, patting his back. “You know, we’re a crew. We kind of talk about this shit.”

 

“I’m fine!” Jeremy stands up, everyone in the room stopping what they’re doing and watching him. “Everything is fine!” Jeremy turns around and immediately looks towards Gavin, who gives him a half-smile. “Ok?!” Jeremy asks rhetorically, shaking his head. “Everything’s fucking fine!” He leaves the room and storms into the bathroom, shutting the door and sighing.

 

Silence. He’s unsure of how they’ll react to that, how anyone will. If anyone will come to see if he is ok, if anyone will care enough, if anyone will actually want to know and not just want to know so it’s the crew gossip of the week. Jeremy sighs, falling to the floor and putting his back against his door.

 

After two hours of sitting on his floor waiting, he hears footsteps approach. Jeremy lying on the floor when he hears them, quickly shuffling to the door and repositioning himself like he was earlier so the person can’t come in.

 

“Jeremy?” Michael, of course. “Do you want to talk?” Silence. Jeremy shakes his head, despite Michael's inability to see through bathroom doors. “Do..you want me to get someone?” Michael asks, yet again to silence. “Maybe Gavin?”

 

“No” Jeremy whispers.

 

“O..kay..” Michael trails off, “Uhh...Geoff?” He asks. Silence. “Who, Jeremy? Who do you want to speak to?”

 

“R..Ryan” Jeremy mutters. He listens as Michael’s footsteps leave down the corridor- presumably to go fetch Ryan. He stands up, looking in the mirror as he adjusts his shirt so it’s not as misshapen as it was from all the time he spent lying on the floor.

 

Jeremy didn’t hear the footsteps, but he does hear a knock on the door. “Come in,” Jeremy whispers, turning to face the door as Ryan walks in, waves at him then shut the door.

 

“Sorry, uh, about the wave.” Ryan waves again, “I do it a lot when I’m nervous.”

 

“Why are you nervous?” Jeremy asks, tilting his head.

 

“Well, Geoff was….Geoff thought.” Silence as Ryan thinks of how to word what he’s about to say. “Ok...so Geoff thought you’d try and commit suicide. So when Michael came and got me, he thought he was right because of all people in the crew I’m the one who’s most likely to kill themselves, you know?” He rhetorically asks. Jeremy scratches his head. “Anyway,” Ryan puts his hands in the air, “Here I am as requested.”

 

Jeremy smiles, walking over and leaning against the wall beside him; looking at the mirror opposite them. “I’m sad.”

 

Ryan looks at them in the mirror, secretly admiring their height difference. “Do you want my meds?” Ryan asks, “Or we can see a therapist, Geoff knows a fair amount who let you talk about crew stuff.”

 

Jeremy shakes his head. “I’m sad..because of Gavin.”

 

“Ah,” Ryan mutters, “You told him."

 

Jeremy shakes his head again, “Didn’t need to." Jeremy shrugs, “It...felt weird. To change things. But it's been weird for weeks. I’ve had times when I could talk to him about it, but I..I didn’t.” Ryan sighs. “Don’t/”

 

“Don’t?” Ryan repeat, “Don’t what? Don’t sigh about how this is a mess.”

 

“Don’t kill yourself,” Jeremy mutters sadly, looking away from the mirror and Ryan. “I know you’re the most likely person to here, but I couldn’t deal with that.”

 

Ryan laughs, “Jeremy, god.” He sighs. “Look, I can’t predict that I won’t, I can’t say that I will, but-”

 

“I like you.” Jeremy blurts out. Ryan looks at him; confused, unable to respond, unable to even open his mouth to try and say something, anything. “Like, a lot.”

 

Ryan looks down at the bathroom floor, walking over to sit on the bath. He looks at Jeremy, “More than Gavin?”

 

“Maybe,” Jeremy admits. He shrugs, “But you probably don’t feel the same”

 

“Michael and I broke up.”

 

“What?” Jeremy asks, looking up at Ryan, “Why?”

 

“Because...I like you. I did tell you all of this after our date. But now this is a mess.” Ryan sighs, “I mean I’d suggest keeping this from Gavin and doing whatever but…” Ryan trails off.

 

“Cheat on him?” Jeremy asks, “You’re...you’re telling me to cheat on him?”

 

“Well going off what you’ve told me you don’t really do that much anyway.”

 

“But..we’re still dating." Jeremy sighs.

 

“So either tell him, break up...or my option.”

 

“Cheat, that’s your option.”

 

“I really wish you’d stop calling it-”

 

“But that’s what it is, Ryan!” Jeremy sighs, running a hand through his hair. “It’s...that..how could we do that?!”

 

“Easy, I get us a place to go to, we make excuses as and when. Also,” Ryan reaches into his pocket and holds out an Android phone, “Text me on this. I’m J, just to confuse you even further.”

 

“You have this all planned out, huh?” Jeremy asks. “Geoff didn’t even tell you we needed to go out together, did he?” Ryan shakes his head. Jeremy laughs.

 

Ryan shrugs, “Look, you can’t say I don’t come prepared”

 

“Bet you already have the place where we’ll go too?” Jeremy asks, moving from where he was leaning against the wall.

 

“You bet I do,” Ryan admits.

 

Jeremy walks over to Ryan, standing in front of where Ryan’s sitting, “Where?” He asks, placing one of his legs besides Ryan’s.

 

Ryan looks up at Jeremy and smiles, “147 Stateview Side.”

 

Jeremy places his other leg beside Ryan and wraps his arms around his neck, “The one with the park opposite?”

 

Ryan smirks, “That exact one.”

 

Jeremy sighs, “I can’t do that to him, Ryan” He admits, placing his head on Ryan’s shoulder, “I can’t do that to him, everyone, the crew.” He lifts his head and looks at Ryan. “If they found out I..I don’t even know what-”

 

“They won’t find out, Jeremy.” Ryan smiles, holding the back of Jeremy's head, “I’ll make sure of it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone goes out for lunch without Alfredo, who insists on staying in and explains that he’ll more than likely just get some form of food after work. Jack complains about his seemingly determined attitude towards skipping food and eating later on his own, but Alfredo sends her off to eat with everyone else. They eat at their local McDonalds and the standard happens- Gavin bets Michael to do something stupid, Michael, of course, does the stupid thing and then tells a waitress - in an attempt to flirt with her - how he won said bet. The waitress tries to be impressed, Michael leaves with Gavin cause neither were really that hungry and decide it’s best to just go back to work anyway. After several pit stops (Gavin insisted they needed 18 British flags all around the penthouse; though Michael doesn’t really know why) Gavin and Michael finally make it back.

 

Alfredo's listening to music when they walk in on him struggling to fit a painting into a wardrobe they for some reason still keep in the kitchen after Geoff and Jack's room got refurbished two months ago. Michael turns off the music, "Alfredo!" He yells, Alfredo quickly turning around to face them both. "The painting that was robbed half an hour ago! You did it?!” Michael asks. While on an adventure looking for flags both he and Gavin heard breaking news that the local museum had been robbed, the painting had been stolen. The exact damn painting Alfredo's currently trying to stash away into their kitchen wardrobe.

 

“Yeah,” Alfredo mutters, leaning the painting against the wardrobe after realising it absolutely will not fit, “Didn't even get caught!” Alfredo cheers.

 

"They didn't spot you? Not a single person saw you?” Gavin asks. “You're lying! You must be!” Gavin yells, walking towards him. “Alfredo, you're a walking, talking idiot and you're telling me that not a single person saw someone of your description holding an axe and thought it was just a little bit suspicious considering a painting got robbed?!” Gavin sighs, stopping in his tracks and facing away from Alfredo. “Sure, sure, I'll believe no physical person saw you. But I'll bet 500 dollars that you didn't once think about the CCTV which is all over the bloody building!"

 

“Relax!” Alfredo yells, “I got a friend to sort CCTV and everything else was easy.”

 

“You got someone else to help you with CCTV?” Gavin asks.

 

“Oh boy,” Michael mutters beside him.

 

“Fredo, how could you?!”

 

“Here it comes.” Michael walks into the kitchen and gets a beer from the fridge.

 

“I’m the hacker in the crew! You-You could’ve asked me!”

 

“It was easier to keep everyone from here out of it!”

 

“But why?” Gavin asks, “I’m me! I can hack!” Gavin sighs, “It just hurts,” Gavin admits, “When other hackers get used, when people who don’t have the trouble of a visa like mine work with any of us. Because I know that’s how easily I can be replaced if I take a joke too far if I say something dumb, if I push an argument too far.“ Gavin sighs, “I just don’t like it.”

 

“Jesus Christ,” Michael mutters from the kitchen, mid-sip of a beer.

 

“I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just..I’ve never done a solo job, all of you have.” Alfredo points out, “I'm kind of still the new person and I wanted to finally do it, ok?” He asks, “That’s all there is to it.” Gavin nods. “Besides,” Alfredo begins, walking over to Gavin and wrapping an arm around him, “You’re much faster.” Gavin laughs, pushing him away but Alfredo stays.

 

Gavin admires the painting. “It’s nice.” Gavin says as Alfredo looks towards the art, “I mean, I don’t know all that about art like, but it looks alright.”

 

“Would you say it looks….top?” Michael asks from the kitchen, laughing at his attempt of Gavin’s accent.

 

“Yeah, it's pretty top!” Michael laughs when Gavin doesn’t realise that he isn’t being serious.

 

“I like it.” Alfredo mutters, pulling Gavin closer to him, “But I like you more.”

 

Gavin laughs, "Alfredo, that’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

 

"You're goddamn right!" Alfredo yells, laughing as he kisses his cheek.

 

The front door opens and Geoff, Jack and Ryan walk in. Ryan immediately joins Michael in the kitchen while Jack looks at the wardrobe. “What’s that?” She asks.

 

“Oh, this old thing?” Alfredo laughs, not looking back towards her,  “Had it for years!”

 

“Fredo stole it,” Gavin pats his head, Alfredo sighs, “From the local museum.”

 

“Dude, fuck!” Geoff yells, “That’s expensive!”

 

“Ryan, name?” Jack asks.

 

Ryan walks in and looks at the painting, “Claude Monet’s Impression, Sunrise.”

 

“Fuck, a Monet!” Geoff yells.

 

“Price?” Jack asks.

 

“Well the museum bought it for $44 million,” Ryan admits casually, returning to the kitchen.

 

“WHAT?!” Michael yells, dropping his beer onto the floor in shock.

 

“Holy shit!” Michael and Geoff yell in unison.

 

“Alfredo motherfucking Diaz!” Geoff yells, “You son of a bitch!”

 

“Well, now what?” Ryan asks, “You can’t exactly sell it.”

 

“Or keep it here,” Jack adds.

 

“Oh yeah, because when Miles comes over after it’ll be so easy to hide that!” Geoff yells.

 

“Fuck!” Alfredo yells, “Shit fuck shit!”

 

“You forgot, huh?” Jack asks. She sighs, “Figures.”

 

“You’ve forgotten every week he’s been here for the last seven weeks,” Ryan points out, “How?”

 

Alfredo shrugs, “I just..forget. I have stuff going on.”

 

“Trouble in paradise?” Michael asks. Geoff laughs.

 

“No!" Alfredo laughs, "You all know the duo is impeccable; perfect, there's no way anything will mess it up!"

 

“The duo?” Gavin asks, genuinely confused, “Who’s that?”

 

Alfredo pushes him away from him,” Gavin, you’re an idiot!”

 

“As much as I’d hate to interrupt this lovefest.” Geoff mutters, “Dickhead, get rid of Monet before Miles comes here and busts all of our asses.”

 

“Great. How?”

 

“Nope,” Geoff begins, walking out of the room with Jack, “You brought it here, you take it away from here.”

 

“Motherfucker,” Alfredo mutters.

 

"Also, get rid of that wardrobe while you're at it," Jack says, smiling at Alfredo. "We're suspicious anyway, we're even more suspicious with a bedroom wardrobe in our kitchen!"

 

* * *

 

“Burying a $44 million Monet painting in the local landfill wasn’t exactly my plan for today.” Ryan sighs, walking along the sidewalk with Jeremy.

 

“Shockingly Ryan, it wasn’t mine either.” Jeremy sighs, looking around the street; all pretty, perfect houses lined up together. “Where are we going anyway?”

 

Ryan laughs, wrapping an arm around his waist, “You’ll figure it out eventually.”

 

Then Jeremy notices it, almost instantly. A park. "Oh shit," Jeremy mutters, “147 Stateview Side!”

 

“See,” Ryan begins, turning to face a door with a key in his hand, “You did remember.” Ryan unlocks the door as Jeremy watches in anticipation. Ryan opens the door and looks at him, “After you.” Jeremy smiles as he walks in as Ryan walks in behind him, closing the door. It’s incredible. Wood flooring throughout. Open windows that let the LA sun in. Fairy lights covering otherwise bare walls for when it would get dark.

 

“Ryan...It..” Jeremy approaches a particular wall of fairy lights. “The lights,” He looks to the kitchen, “The fucking kitchen,” He looks at Ryan, “All of it, how?”

 

Ryan shrugs, “I had some time on my hands a few weekends ago."

 

“Ryan, I can’t,” Jeremy shakes his head, “Not...Not now.”

 

“Is it too much?” Ryan asks him, walking over to where he’s stood. “We can slow down if you want, I know getting this place was a bit much.”

 

Jeremy shakes his head, “It’s not that.”

 

“He won’t find out, Jeremy.” Ryan begins, holding his hand, “None of them will.” Jeremy shakes his head again. “If not that, then what?”

 

“I had alcohol.” Jeremy bluntly admits, looking up at Ryan. “I know you don’t like it so...so, I guess I didn’t want to like, force you to taste it whenever..” Jeremy looks away from him, “Uh...yeah..”

 

“Do you remember that spin the bottle game we played when you joined?” Ryan asks.

 

“Wh-yeah,” Jeremy replies, “Why?”

 

“Geoff landed on me, spent about five minutes with his tongue down my throat.”

 

“So?”

 

“It was Geoff. The Geoff who once drunk so much alcohol it somehow cancelled out a hangover, the Geoff who ended that night facedown on the kitchen table naked and minutes before that was trying to get a cat Lindsay asked us to look after to lick his dick.”

 

Jeremy laughs, “Sweet memories."

 

“My point is that alcohol or no alcohol I’m fine.”

 

“I just didn’t expect to bury a painting then...all this.”

 

“Yeah,” Ryan wraps his arms around him and sighs, “Me neither.”

 

* * *

 

When everything hurts you can't help but feel sadness. When it feels like no one understands. When it feels like no one will ever listen to you or get what you're saying. Everyone takes pain differently. Some write. Some draw. Some cry. Some drink. Some take drugs. Some don't even react. How each member of a group reacts to something shows how different they are from each other. Some of them may be similar, but ultimately they're all very different and unique in their own ways. Whether it be through music taste, outfit choices, eating habits, hobbies or how they react to pain.

 

This isn’t Gavin’s usual day off. His day off is typically spent attempting to annoy Geoff, asking Jack if she’ll help him buy clothes, ringing Ryan constantly to bug him, asking Jeremy ridiculous questions, asking when Michael finishes work or getting Alfredo and Trevor to agree to hang out with him and do stupid shit. Most days off don’t have Gavin halfway through a pint at 3.20pm while Michael watches from behind the bar. When Gavin does realise - yes, this bar he randomly stumbled into is where Michael works - he smiles gleefully and chooses to also order food so Michael doesn’t seem concerned. It just so happens Michael is the person Gavin orders food from.

 

“Would you recommend the steak?” Gavin asks when Michael gets out a menu of all the food they have on offer.

 

“I’d recommend a fist up your ass.”

 

Gavin gasps, “Michael, the customer is always right!”

 

“The customer typically isn’t shitfaced before happy hour.” Michael sigh, running a hand through his hair, “What are you doing here, Gavin?”

 

Gavin shrugs, “Sad innit.”

 

“So you go somewhere to get drunk?” Michael sighs, “Great,” At this moment Ryan walks in. “Fantastic!”

 

Ryan walks over to them both and smiles slightly, “Michael.”

 

“Ryan,” Michael sighs, grabbing the menu as Gavin pulls onto it and frowns; causing both the men to look at him.

 

“Gavin,” Ryan begins, “How much have you had?”

 

Gavin shrugs, giggling, “A bit!”

 

“A lot,” Michael corrects him, looking back at Ryan, “Didn’t realise you were on babysitting duties.”

 

“Geoff doesn’t like to admit when I am, but I do it a lot.”

 

“Poor you.”

 

“Babysitting?” Gavin asks, turning in his stool and looking up at Ryan, “Am I a baby?”

 

“Gavin, drunk you is a god damn toddler,” Gavin frowns. “See?” Ryan asks, pointing at Gavin’s mouth. “A frown to indicate sadness, something children do in an attempt to get their own way and to make the person looking after them feel sorry for them.”

 

“Is it working?” Gavin asks him.

 

Ryan sighs, “No, it’s not.”

 

* * *

 

 

Jeremy often wonders how anyone in the crew could be scared of Ryan. No matter what the image The Vagabond may portray, he's still Ryan. He says words that eight times out of ten are the wrong pronunciation. He's always the first person to run towards a box of doughnuts someone brings back to the penthouse. He only recently bought jeans that actually fit him. Sure his entire room has skulls everywhere you look, black leather jackets on every surface possible and he owns eighteen books of the occult. But that's for the aesthetic. He's still glasses wearing, idiot, Ryan.

 

Ryan opens Gavin’s bedroom door and throws him onto his bed. Gavin yells as he falls into it as Ryan sighs. “Is this how it starts?” Gavin asks, turning to face him and smiling.

 

“What on earth are you talking about?” Ryan asks, “I just brought you here so you can sleep this off.”

 

“Sleep it off or take it off?”

 

“What?”

 

Gavin starts giggling. A lot. Giggles so much that Jack walks in and asks if he’s ok. Ryan explains that he’s drunk and Jack immediately leaves. Gavin frowns, “Pitty, she could’ve joined in.” Gavin mutters as Ryan shuts the door, places a chair beside Gavin’s bed and sits on it. “Oh,” Gavin whispers, sitting up and smiling at him, “So it’s like that, huh?”

 

“What?” Ryan asks, “Gavin, just go to bed.”

 

“But I’m already in bed.”

 

“Then go to sleep.”

 

“But I’m not tired.” Ryan sighs. “Also you’re here,” Gavin shrugs, “I can’t sleep with someone looking at me.”

 

“I’m only here to make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit.”

 

“Aw!” Gavin yells, “You do care!”

 

Ryan rolls his eyes, “Sure, I care. Now go to sleep already.”

 

“I’m far too excited to sleep,” Gavin admits, getting under the covers anyway and turning to face Ryan, “I had a nice dream last night.” He smiles, “We’d done this really big mission and I’d done something and everyone was really proud of me, it was nice.”

 

“Everyone’s always proud of you,” Ryan admits, “You’re the goddamn golden boy, of course, people are proud of you.”

 

“No, no this was different,” Gavin shakes his head, “Even you were proud of me.”

 

“Gavin,” Ryan sighs, “I’m the everyone. As in, we’re all always proud of you.”

 

“It was just a nice dream,” Gavin sighs, “Then somehow Jeremy proposed.”

 

“Jesus,” Ryan mutters.

 

“Yeah,” Gavin smiles, “Bit unrealistic when that happened, he had this whole speech prepared and the ring was gold and it just..fit, you know?”

 

“Like the ring?”

 

Gavin laughs, “That too.” He turns so that his backs on the bed and looks up at the ceiling. “I really do love him. I do. But,” Gavin sighs, “I know stuff isn’t right between us.” He looks towards Ryan. “Right?”

 

“I don’t know,” Ryan lies, “You don’t really show it.”

 

Gavin laughs, “You know.” He turns around so he’s not facing him. “You know.”

 

It’s the last thing Gavin says before he falls asleep and Ryan’s forced to move the chair to the other side of the room to make sure Gavin doesn’t suddenly come alive and start throwing up. He doesn’t. But Ryan can’t help but wonder what he meant. You know. He could easily be talking about Michael and how Ryan and he happily faked it in front of everyone when the reality was nothing like what was happening between them. Would Michael tell him?

 

Jack walks in two hours later to wake Gavin up so Ryan silently walks out and into his own room. He gets the phone out from under his pillow and texts N.  _ B had some dream that you proposed. Also, he kept saying You Know, though I’m not too sure what that really meant. _

 

Jeremy, still sat on the roof, jumps when the phone in his pocket buzzes. He opens it and replies.  _ Maybe it’s just him drunk as fuck trying to look out for him? I mean one time you and M did date so it makes sense. _

 

Ryan sees the reply and laughs.  _ M isn’t that much of a codename, N. _

 

Jeremy sighs.  _ Alright asshole, got any other ones? _

 

Ryan shuts the curtains in his bedroom.  _ I came up with yours, mine and Bs so you can go fuck yourself. _

 

Jeremy gets off of the roof and enters the house through the same window that got him up there.  _ Can we agree the nice one is S? Because I can’t stop laughing at S being the name we use. _

 

Ryan lies on his bed and laughs to himself.  _ S isn’t a name but I’ll allow it. O for the other. _

 

Jeremy walks past Geoff and Michael - currently yelling at some television commercial - and laughs at them both.  _ Obviously! But him? A maybe? _

 

_ A works perfectly! _

 

Jeremy enters his own room and sighs.  _ This has been such a fucking stupid conversation. _

 

Ryan places his phone onto his bed and finds some relatively clean clothes on the floor he could wear to bed. He picks his phone up.  _ Yeah, I’m gonna head to bed soon anyway. _

 

Ryan throws his phone back onto his bed.  _ It’s so fucking early you god damn animal. _

 

Ryan’s halfway dressed for bed and halfway still in his clothes when he replies.  _ YOLO! _

 

_ That’s not how people use that! _

 

Ryan sits on his bed finally after finishing getting changed.  _ Love you! _

 

Jeremy starts shaking. He’s unsure of how to reply.  _ Mm. _

 

_ Say it back asshole! _

 

_ LOVE YOU TOO J! _

 

Ryan smiles.  _ THANKS! _

 

_ Never make me call you J irl I swear to god. _

 

_ What does irl mean? _

 

_ GOODNIGHT _

 

That’s how the crews day ends. Ryan goes to bed, Jeremy lies in his own and jacks off to the thought of Ryan, Jack lies beside Gavin and both Geoff and Michael fall asleep when the television show they were watching soon turns into some documentary about penguins.


	3. Chapter 3

we stay together

no matter what

because i love you

you keep your mouth shut

 

* * *

 

"Geoff, it's fine."

 

It was, according to Geoff, not at all fine. Turns out, Lindsay and Michael struck a deal with the local zoo while everyone else was out eating and got a snake into the penthouse. Unharmed, completely fine, just sat. It spent the majority of its time with Lindsay and Michael being solely it's carer sitting around not really doing much. But now it's in the same room as Geoff, who's hiding behind a box, and everyone has a somewhat different reaction to the animal. Geoff is shaking and looking at the floor, Jack is concerned for Geoff's safety, Ryan is trying to explain to everyone that they have nothing to worry about, Jeremy keeps asking if it needs to eat anything and Michael and Lindsay just watch and admire their handy work.

 

"Snakes like the sun," Ryan says, trying to explain to Jack that Geoff has nothing to be afraid of. "Geoff is fine because the snake is just lying in the only patch of sun it's found in the entire room, that just so happens to be right beside Geoff. The sun gives the snake vitamin D. It's also a cold-blooded creature and typically is found basking in the sun itself so it changes their body temperature so they're not always freezing." Ryan shrugs, "It's basically just like us putting on a jacket when we're cold; they can't do that, so they lie in the sun because it helps them warm up."

 

"Stop mansplaining how the sun works and let me hide behind my box!" Geoff yells, still shaking.

 

* * *

 

Gavin's in Ryan's bedroom, looking around. A lot of black. A lot of leather. A lot of black and leather. He picks up a photo frame and smiles. It's a photo clearly taken after a game of Mario party. Lindsay's taking the photo, smiling proudly at the bottom of it, showing the chaos behind her. Michael's on the floor laughing, Jeremy's stood pointing at him, Gavin's beside Jeremy trying to get him to calm down, Ryan's stood beside Gavin talking to Geoff about god knows what, Geoff - holding a boo plushie - is stood beside Ryan and watching Jack- who's making bunny ears behind Lindsay's head and smiling.

 

"Good night that one."

 

"That's the night you threw up."

 

"Well, it's at least a good photo," He notices a leather jacket on top of something, so picks it up and reveals a black velvet bin. "Ryan, why do you have a bin full of skulls in your bedroom?"

 

"That...is private information."

 

Gavin digs in further with his hand that isn't holding the leather jacket, "They're all the same skull!"

 

"Yeah," Ryan says, pointing at the one on his bed, "Custom made!"

 

Gavin places the jacket back on top of the bin, covering it again. "You're a weird nerd, Ryan."

 

"Weird nerd?" Ryans ask, "Nerds are typically weird. So I'm not really a weird nerd, just a very typical nerd."

 

"Yeah," Gavin nods, turning to face him, "Whatever you just said." He holds onto his head and sighs.

 

“That hangover still killing you?”

 

Gavin nods. “Christ, even that hurt.”

 

“I thought you took pills?”

 

“I did,” Gavin waves his hand in front of his face, “But it still bloody hurts.”

 

* * *

 

Ryan doesn’t like silence. Silent places. Silent moments. Any kind of quiet. It’s a place where he’s left to his own thoughts. It’s when his brain takes over because no noise can block it out, no noise can rid him of what his brain is telling him. That he's worthless. That his life is pointless. That he has no real reason to be alive. That killing so many people as he does a day, a week, a month, a year is slowly eating him up inside and one day it's all going to bite him on the ass and he'll regret ever killing a single goddamn person. People say mental disorders like depression, which Ryan isn't diagnosed with but it's what he and the crew presume he has through self-diagnosis and Geoff questioning several therapists who have met with Ryan on a one to one basis, are silent killers. This isn't wrong for Ryan. In fact, it couldn't be truer if it tried.

 

Jack holds onto Ryan’s hand, who has just been staring at his own feet for the past few minutes. Ryan looks at her as she hands him a piece of paper in the hand she’s holding. Ryan looks confused as he moves his hand in front of him so he can open it. As he does he takes the paper out of it with his other hand. With both hands, he unwraps the paper which seemingly has writing on it. The small square paper reads ‘It’s fine. Maybe not now, but eventually it will be.’ Ryan smiles. Deep down he knows what the paper says is right, that it will be better. But he doesn’t believe that. Not yet. Ryan nods, stuffing the paper into the back of his jeans in a pocket as he wraps an arm around Jack and pulls her closer as they both stand side by side watching the city in awe, in silence.

 

When it's silent without the crew he gets bad. When it's silent when he's out like watching a film on his own during a silent moment he gets bad. When he's with Jack during those moments it's different. He can't put a finger on why, but it is. It's as though Jack helps him, comforts him in some way. He's told Jack - and everyone in the crew for that matter - this fact several times, has even told his several therapists, and no one can figure it out. Ryan's been asked if he knows why. But he truly doesn't. Jack just helps him. Nor Ryan or Jack can explain it because neither of them really understand it fully themselves, let alone do they understand it enough to explain to someone. Jack brings him comfort. Jack gives him warmth. Jack keeps him sane. He can't figure out why, but she does.

 

Jack has often said the same about Ryan. Jack certainly doesn't have anything like depression, not anymore anyway, but whenever she's sad no matter what kind of shitty day she's going through or any bad moment she's having; Ryan always manages to cheer her up. Much like Ryan with her, Jack cannot and has not yet determined why this happens. Why both of them find comfort in each other. The crew have noticed this and attempted to figure out, but the sanest suggestion came from Lindsay, who said they may be in love and thus them being in love is why they're so comfortable and feel so much safety and security around each other. But both have denied it.

 

After fourty five minutes of just standing, holding, watching; Jack and Ryan silently walk away from the edge of the cliff and walk back to the street and follow behind Geoff, hand in hand.

 

 

* * *

 

Jeremy runs into Ryan on the street. It's a random Tuesday evening in which no one seemed to really have anything going on. Ryan's in his heist get-up, Jeremy’s in his usual loungewear of a black shirt, black pants and black shoes. Jeremy hands him the piece of paper. Ryan - carrying a stack of 14 diet coke cans - place them on the floor besides him. Ryan immediately knows the paper is what he asked for; some random guys number. He'd gotten Jeremy to spend a lot of his personal time researching, hacking and eventually finding the guys phone number. It'd been around about a week since Ryan asked, and Jeremy already had a successful result. Ryan grabs the paper off of him and grabs a lighter from his pocket. "Ryan!" Jeremy yells, but Ryan doesn't listen. He lights the piece of paper on fire, watching as Jeremy watches in shock. They both stand in silence as the paper burns in Ryans hands and - eventually when he drops it - a spot on the pavement between them.

 

"Don't need it anymore," Ryan admits. Jeremy looks up at the floor to Ryan smirking at him.

 

"You could've told me, I spent an entire week looking for that thing!" Jeremy yells.

 

"I don't need it because I already have all I need."

 

"What, 14 diet coke cans?"

 

"No," Ryan begins, stepping forward and avoiding the paper as he wraps an arm around Jeremy, "You."

 

"Ryan," Jeremy sighs, wrapping an arm around Ryan's neck, "I...We..." Jeremy sighs, removing his arm and pushing Ryan away from him; failing. "We can't," Jeremy admits, "I can't."

 

"No one will know," Ryan admits, backing away and letting go of Jeremy.

 

Jeremy shrugs, "Ok, but you can't prove that.” He starts walking away as Ryan sighs.

 

"I will!" Ryan yells, grabbing his diet coke cans from the floor, "I'll prove it to you!"

 

Jeremy - still walking - turns to face him and nods. "I'll believe it when I see it."

 

* * *

 

Jeremy walks into the penthouse to 80s music blasting around the house. Jeremy checks the voice activated device and sees that it's some random 80s playlist someone found online. Jeremy laughs. He knows immediately it's Gavin. The man who believes he was born in the wrong generation, even though realistically he probably wouldn't have been able to live in the 80s. Would've said something stupid and gotten his head chopped off, managed to get in so many fights he features on every local newspaper in the world and would say something that sounded fake but could never prove it correct because he wouldn't know how to find out that he wasn’t lying. Not like now, when whenever he's right he goes onto Google and smugly shoves his phone in another person's face for presuming Gavin Free is an idiot. Sometimes he may be, but Gavin is secretly actually pretty smart.

 

Jeremy opens Gavin's bedroom door to smoke covering his vision. Of course, he's smoking some kind of something. It's Gavin - and everyone else's for that matter - day off after all. It’s coming up to Christmas and most people are off on their own, buying gifts, spending time with family and other things. He's chosen to spend it by doing the obvious, sitting in his room smoking and thinking about not all that much about really anything. Jeremy shuts the door behind him and waves his hands, moving the smoke from his face until he finds Gavin- sat on his bed and smiling up at him.

 

"Jeremy!" He yells above the music, holding his free hand out, "Come play!" Jeremy sighs, knowing there's no way out of this even if he does say no. He walks on over to the bed and sits opposite the brit. Jeremy watches the cigarette in Gavin's hand. Gavin laughs, holding it in front of him. "Try it!"

 

"Uhhh" Jeremy looks at it, confused. "I don't...don't...uh..."

 

Gavin moves from where he's sat and sits beside him, holding Jeremy's hand and placing the object into his hand. "You just breathe in, it's fine."

 

Jeremy nods. Gavin watches as Jeremy takes the cigarette to his mouth, breaths in and pulls the cigarette away from him, "Oh god." Jeremy mutters, coughing and hitting his chest, "Fucking hell, Gav.”

 

"You like it?"

 

"The fuck is it?"

 

"Weed I made into a cigarette."

 

"What?" Jeremy asks, "Why?"

 

Gavin shrugs, "Got bored one night so Alfredo taught me."

 

"Of course he did,” Jeremy mutters, still coughing.

 

"Did you do it right?" Gavin asks him, "Most don't cough."

 

Jeremy shrugs, "I don't know how to do it.”

 

"Why didn't you say Jeremy!" Gavin yells, laughing as he takes the cigarette from Jeremy and places it on a plate he had put on the bed earlier. Gavin places both of his legs either side of Jeremy and sit on his lap. "Did you never go to college?" Gavin asks him, turning to get the cigarette from the plate.

 

"Did you?" Jeremy asks.

 

Gavin laughs, turning back around to face him. "Never mind me, look like you're gonna kiss me"

 

"What?"

 

"It's just what you do."

 

So Jeremy does. He puckers up his lips as Gavin, still holding it, places the cigarette correctly; by Jeremy's mouth enough that he'll feel effect, away from him enough so that he won't get much of the backlash. "Breath in and swallow." Jeremy doe, coughing again. Gavin laughs, pulling the cigarette away from Jeremy. But Jeremy grabs Gavin's hand - the one holding the cigarette - and looks at him. "Again?" Jeremy nods. So he does; Jeremy puckers his lips, Gavin places the cigarette with the same proximity as previously, Jeremy breathes in, Jeremy swallows.

 

They continue this for half an hour, sat in each others company, listening to 80s music and watching the other one intently. Only when Jeremy grabs what’s Gavin’s holding and puts it beside him do they stop. Jeremy pulls him towards him and kisses him. Well, tries to. Gavin cannot stop laughing and riggling against his hand so trying to kiss is quite hard. Jeremy pulls away. “I’m trying to kiss you, idiot.”

 

Gavin laughs, “You look so done!”

 

Jeremy sighs, “Yeah,” He wraps his other hand around him, “Maybe I’m just done with your bullshit.”

 

Gavin frowns. Jeremy laughs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone walks into the meeting room to the words GENTS INITIATIVE spray-painted in purple on the wall. They all sit down. Michael immediately stands back up. “Alright, who did that shit?” Michael asks, “It’s not even in a cool colour!”

 

“Purples top!” Gavin yells.

 

“Shut the fuck up, you idiot!” Michael yells back at him. “Who wrote that shit?!” Ryan immediately raises his hand. “Why?!”

 

“It says what it says!” Ryan yells.

 

“What, fucking gents initiative?” Michael asks. Ryan lowers his hand. “Are you starting some rebel fucking boyband with Geoff and Jack which is just you three fucking each other constantly?” Jack - who was drinking water - chokes.

 

“Enough!” Geoff yells, standing up. “The gents initiative is simple, become a gent.”

 

“Fuck off.” Michael grunts. “You put three gents and three lads into one meeting and expect the lads to suddenly fucking convert!”

 

“Convert?” Jeremy asks, “What is it, some fucking cult?!”

 

Gavin coughs, “So uh, in today's meeting I really wanted to talk about-”

 

“Shut the fuck up!” Geoff, Jeremy and Michael all yell at him.

 

Gavin nods, “Got it.”

 

“This meetings shit,” Michael mutters. He stands up. “Lads, out.” He leaves the room with Jeremy and Gavin awkwardly following behind him.

 

Jack turns her chair to look at both Ryan and Geoff, “Congratulations, you fucked up more than I ever thought you could.”

 

 

* * *

 

“What’s wrong?” Gavin asks.

 

Gavin, Jeremy and Michael are all sat on his bed. Michael’s been crying for ten minutes and they left the meeting fifteen minutes ago.

 

Michael sits up. “The break-up was..hard.” Jeremy and Gavin listen as Michael explains. “I had a nightmare last night that he convinced you all to just forget about me. I guess seeing him in the meeting kind of freaked me out.” He sighs. “I so wanted Jeremy to be the one to spray-paint it just so I could insult his aesthetic,” He shakes his head as Jeremy smiles, “I didn’t think it would be Ryan. Of all people why the fuck did it have to be him?”

 

“Hey,” Gavin mutters, grabbing onto Michael’s right hand as Jeremy’s hold onto his other one. “Break-ups suck. They suck more when you work with the person. They suck way more if you work closely with the person.

 

Michael, now teary-eyed, laughs, “Is this supposed to be cheering me up?”

 

“I’m working on it,” Gavin sighs, “We’re not leaving you, boi. Not now, not tomorrow, not in a week, a month, a, a-”

 

“What Gavin’s trying to say is that..” Jeremy sighs, “We could never leave you, Michael. Regardless of the crew, you’re our friend.”

 

Gavin - now also crying - smiles as he squeezes Michael’s hand and places his other hand on top of Jeremy’s, squeezing that too. “We’re lads first and colleagues second.” He smiles, “Never forget that.”

 

Jeremy smiles, “Never,” He squeezes Michael’s hand and turns his hand under Gavin’s round to squeeze his hand too, “Never fucking ever.”

 

Michael - now full on sobbing - smiles. “I...I love you two.”

 

Jeremy laughs, “God, now I feel bad that I’m not crying.”

 

“Shave your head though, Jeremy.”

 

“Yeah,” Michael laughs, “It’s fucking shit.”

 

“Eh,” Jeremy mutters, “One day.”


	4. Chapter 4

we sneak around

as our relationships crumble

but we'll stay together

we'll stay humble

 

* * *

 

 

"Black is a dreadful aesthetic, or whatever the hell you call it."

 

Ryan, Gavin, Jeremy and Michael were attempting to eat food together since Jack and Geoff were out. Immediately the conversation turned to Ryan and Gavin arguing about aesthetics. Ryan laughs, "Says the guy whose favourite colour is piss.” He says, poking Gavin’s gold sunglasses that are laying amongst the hair on top of his head.

 

“Hey, gold and piss are very different!” Gavin yells, swatting his hand away from his head as Michael sits and drinks a beer not even bothering to say anything.

 

Ryan scoffs, “It’s called a golden shower for a reason, Gavin.”

 

“Black is called emo for a reason, Ryan.”

 

Ryan sighs, "Are you saying my heist getup is why I'm depressed?"

 

"No. Probably not." Gavin thinks. “It probably doesn’t help.”

 

Jeremy sighs, “Look, as someone's whose colours are purple and orange I can’t really talk-”

 

“So why are you?” Ryan interrupts him.

 

“Ryan!” Gavin yells.

 

“Don’t be fucking rude, asshole!” Michael yells.

 

Gavin sighs. “Glad to see this meals going well.”

 

“Give it five minutes and it’ll turn into a fucking food fight.” Ryan mutters.

 

“Do you wanna fight Ryan?” Michael asks, already stood up, “I’ll do it, Ryan!”

 

“Jesus christ,” Jeremy mutters, “Michael, sit down.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was the usual day for Jeremy and Ryan. They woke up in their own, separate beds and walked into the kitchen at different times- Ryan already drinking a diet coke and reading the days local newspaper when Jeremy walked in. They ate pancakes with everyone else and discussed their days like anyone else- Ryan saying he's going to get his bikes insides upgraded, Jeremy and everyone else pretending to be interested, Gavin suggests he and Jeremy do something and Jeremy comes up with some excuse. Most of Jeremy’s excuses tend to be about Mrs May, a woman who says he often visits to do odd jobs around the house; paint her kitchen, help her make a table from Ikea and teach her how to use her iPhone. Jeremy and Ryan give each other looks, looks that say that they both know they're lying through their damn teeth. Ryan suggests taking Jeremy to where he needs to go as it isn't far from where he's getting his bike done. Jeremy agrees. They leave together with the crew waving them off. They go to 147.

 

What wasn't usual was how immediately walking through the door, something was off. The way the sun lighted up the walls. The colour of the newly washed sheet on top of the mattress. The way the fairy lights hung. That was all fine. But with Jeremy. With Ryan. Something felt...off. Not like either of them were regretting doing this, having this place, getting this far into what they've done. But something felt different. Sure, Jeremy still stuck on a random Futurama episode, Ryan ordered food and sat beside him and tried to distract him, convince him there was something better to do than watch Futurama reruns all day together. But something was weird about it. Something was off.

 

Only when semi-naked did Jeremy decide to bring it.

 

"What's wrong?" Jeremy asks, frowning as he does.

 

"Really?" Ryan asks, "Now you want to have a conversation about my mental health?"

 

"You haven't been taking them, have you?" Jeremy asks. Ryan looks away from him but Jeremy holds his face with his right hand, pulling him to face him. "I didn't see them at breakfast, or last night. No one else ever notices when you don't take them, but I do." Ryan sighs as Jeremy places his other hand on the other side of Ryan's face. "Why?" Jeremy asks him, "Gavin helps you take them but you insisted he didn’t. But why on your own do you do that when you know it'll make you bad, that it'll make everything go wrong again?"

 

"After..things."

 

"You can say Ray, Ryan." Jeremy smiles, "I won't mind."

 

"After...Ray." Jeremy nods, "Things were hard. I didn't do anything, see anyone, I even burned my one and only leather jacket I owned because it reminded me of him and every single time he wore it around the penthouse as a joke." Ryan smiles at the fond memory, wrapping his arms around Jeremy. "But, this isn't about Ray. This isn't because of what happened. It won't happen again."

 

"It happened before, Ryan." Jeremy sighs, "You stop taking them, you fall apart and before you know it everyone around you is treading on eggshells and doctors have to physically drag you to a hospital to make you take them and be better."

 

"This is different." Ryan sighs, "No one's dying, not now."

 

"You don't know that," Jeremy admits, "Maybe one day, maybe another, who knows. You stop taking them, everything seems fine, but then someone dies. Be it me, Michael, Jack, Geoff, Gavin, anyone." Jeremy sighs, "It'll break you like before."

 

"No one's dying," Ryan repeats.

 

"You can't say that," Jeremy admits, "No one knew Ray would.." Jeremy trails off, sighing. "No one knew that would happen, but it did. It broke you and I can't handle that again. We can't handle that. The crew can't handle that. No one can."

 

"So what?" Ryan asks, "I take them again, they fuck me up even more than I live my life pretending I'm ok?"

 

"You go to therapy and speak to me and be ok when you are, and bad when you're not." Jeremy sighs, "But Ryan, you have to keep taking them or this whole thing is off."

 

"What?"

 

"Us. This. Everything." Jeremy admits, "If that's what I have to risk to get you to stop, then I will."

 

Ryan agrees.

 

The next day Ryan asks Gavin to help him take his tablets like their usual routine months ago and he agrees. It’s not awkward when he takes them like before, mostly because he knows doing it will at least make Jeremy happy but also because it’s distracting him from whatever he’s thinking. Gavin hasn’t mentioned the previous incidents, let alone the one where he very drunkenly kept saying  _ you know _ . But it’s not like Ryan’s going to bring it up. He won’t. He can’t. He doesn’t want to even act a slightly bit suspicious around Gavin. So he takes his tablets and Jack cheers after he’s taken them.

 

Because he’s fine.

 

Because everything is fine.

 

Right?

 

* * *

 

“Jeremy,” Gavin whispers, his breathing fastening up as he tries to calm himself down. "Jer...god, Jeremy...I.." He holds a hand to his chest, trying to calm himself down again. "I...we...I....” He tries to explain himself, tries to justify how he feels. But at the same time he can't. His body won't let him. He wants to explain how he wants nothing else than for this to happen, how he wants it more than anything. But he can't.

 

“Gavin?” Jeremy asks, “Gavin, Gavin, you’ll be ok. We can stop, I honestly don’t mind.” Jeremy says, already getting off of the bed to put everything he brought out away as Gavin sits up and attempts to calm his breathing down. “We can just lie together instead.”

 

"A-Are you sure?" Gavin asks, hanging his legs off of the bed as he watches Jeremy turn to face him. Jeremy nods as Gavin smiles, “I’d like that.” Jeremy closes the cabinet drawer as Gavin gets under the covers. Jeremy joins Gavin, who almost immediately wraps himself around Jeremy and places his face on the smaller man's chest.

 

“Gavin, you are a fucking twig.”

 

“Well if I’m a twig,” Gavin begins, giggling to himself, “Will you be my tree?”

 

“What does that even mean?” Jeremy asks him.

 

“Dunno,” Gavin shrugs, “Sounds good though.” They lie in silence for a moment; Gavin listening to Jeremy's heartbeat, Jeremy listening to Gavin's breath go from slow to fast to slow to fast over and over and over again. "I'm sorry."

 

"It's fine, Gavin."

 

Gavin moves his face so he can face Jeremy, “It’s not though.” Gavin sighs, “You’re not getting anything out of this”

 

“Lying here isn’t nothing, Gavin.”

 

* * *

 

"The best day of my life was when I woke up and noticed my voice had started to change," Jeremy admits, lying on the floor and looking up at the ceiling while Ryan puts the mattress sheet in the washing machine. Jeremy turns onto his side so he can watch him. "Days, not like today. They made me feel who I was, truly was. A man, and not in a body I shouldn't be in." Jeremy sighs. "But now I just feel less of a man than ever, because now all I can feel is...well, shit."

 

Ryan puts the washing machine on and turns to face him, "Just because stuff like that is happening, it doesn't make you any less of a man, Jeremy."

 

"I don't exactly feel manly when...this is happening." Ryan sighs, standing up and walking towards him.

 

"Does anyone even know this happens?" Ryan asks. Jeremy shakes his head and sighs.

 

"It's a mess, I know. This whole damn thing is a fucking mess." Jeremy turns to face the ceiling again as Ryan liebesidees him and turns to face him, "I'm cheating on my boyfriend, last night I contemplated taking your tablets and now," He looks down at his legs, "Now this is happening." He sighs, turning on his side again to face Ryan, "Everything sucks."

 

 

* * *

 

Jeremy and Ryan decide to order pizza. When the pizza man comes Ryan attempts to do a Boston accent as he and the man exchange money and pizza. As soon as the door shuts, Jeremy breaks down laughing as Ryan puts the pizza on a plate and sits down opposite him. “That was incredible.” Jeremy laughs, “Your Boston accent is the worst thing I’ve ever heard!”

 

“H,ey I tried to copy your accent, not my fault yours is so shit.”

 

Jeremy puts a diet coke can on the table. Ryan opens it and pours it into a glass on the table. Jeremy puts a beer car onto the table and opens it, instantly taking a chug of it. “Jesus christ, Jeremy.” Ryan begins, looking at his phone, “It’s not even 5.”

 

“I'm cheating on my boyfriend,” Jeremy mutters, taking a piece of pizza, “I’m allowed to be a mess.” Jeremy swallows the pizza in his mouth, “Anyway, where do they think you are right now?”

 

"Out eating a takeaway."

 

“Really?” Jeremy asks, “You don't even really like takeaway."

 

"Yeah, but I like you.”

 

"Cheesy."

 

"Like this pizza."

 

* * *

 

“Good thing about ordering pizza, you don’t have much clean-up.” Ryan admits, putting an empty can in the kitchen bin. I mean, we put it on a plate.” Ryan reminds himself as Jeremy stands up, walking over to the mattress still in the living room.

 

“Yeah but one plate is nothing,” Jeremy begins as he sits on the sofa, “It’s not seven mugs, eight plates and eight sets of cutlery.”

 

“That’s a lot of math for a drunk Jeremy Dooley to do.” Ryan laughs from the kitchen “I mean come off it, you’re hardly Einstein at the best of times.”

 

Jeremy mockingly gasps, “Ryan Haywood, how dare you!”

 

Ryan laughs. “You're pretty funny you know, sober and drunk."

 

“As long as you’re laughing with me and not at me.” Jeremy mutters as Ryans sits besides him. 

 

Ryan runs a hand through Jeremy's hair and sighs, “You know, everything will be fine eventually."

 

Jeremy shakes his head, “Don’t wanna talk about it.”

 

“That’s fine,” Ryan begins, laying his head on Jeremy’s shoulder, “We don’t have to talk about it.”

 

“I like cats.” Jeremy says, trying to change the conversation.

 

“Me too.”

 

“We should get a cat.” Jeremy says, remembering that he gave his cat to his neighbour. “Imagine getting a cat!”

 

Ryan laughs, "We'd never be able to look after it, imagine all the time it needs!"

 

"Less time than a dog though!"Jeremy laughs, tapping his finger on Ryan’s head, “You know something, Ry?"

 

“No, J.”

 

“J?” Jeremy asks, laughing, “Who are you?”

 

“I thought you already said my name."

 

“You idiot.” Jeremy laughs.

 

“Go on, what do I know?”

 

“You’re pretty alright.” Jeremy admits.

 

“Thanks.” Ryan smiles, “You’re pretty alright, too.”

 

Jeremy and Ryan lie on the mattress listening to the television that had been playing throughout 147 all night. It’s a wildlife programme about otters neither of them particularly care about. A wildlife expert explains how otters hold hands while they sleep to keep from drifting away from each other. Jeremy, taking this literally, holds Ryan’s hand. Ryan, who now has his eyes shut, smiles. Ryan and Jeremy fall asleep listening to facts about otters and holding hands.


	5. Chapter 5

we'll stay out together

hold hands as we walk

stay together forever

that's what we thought

 

* * *

 

 

The colour black. A lot of people associate it with negative connotations. Darkness. Pain. The colour red people associate with similar things. Death. Cut. Pain. Why this is Ryan's aesthetic, no one can figure out. Let alone can Ryan, who just went with whatever he found in a clothing shop during one of his first times in town. 

 

The colour goal is associated with positive things. Money. Wealth. Rich. Gold seems to be a colour more popularly associated with people who own mansions across seven places and don't live in any of them. Gold isn't typically paired with a guy who once had to decide between buying sanitary products or food. But Gavin buys gold, wears gold, gets gifted gold. He does this because he knows, he understands what he once was and how his life has changed. He doesn't buy it to brag to other people outside of the crew that he owns this gold thing and they don't. He buys it because he can. Because he knows he could never buy it when he was younger.

 

Purple and orange should never go together, let alone should the occasional addition of yellow. But Jeremy doesn't care, doesn't particularly seem to acknowledge that the three colours - sometimes accompanied with a white cowboy hat - don't really make much sense together. It's a Spyro thing, Geoff once joked when Jeremy revealed his look for the first time half an hour after talking about how much he re-played Spyro and how he knew every single line in every game and where every single gem and egg was.

 

Michael's colours don't make much sense. His aesthetic isn't really a specific colour persey, it's just a jacket with a wolf on it. It's a jacket Jack created when they first met. Michael got a bit teary eyed, admitting that no one had ever made him anything that was just for him. Now Michael often gets them tailor made at some local place Geoff throws a ridiculous amount of money towards so they don't blab that they're being used to make the jacket. Michael keeps the one Jack made in his bedroom wardrobe so no one can get at it.

 

Jack's unsure of how many hawaiian shirts she owns, often finding them in shops that are local businesses and not company run; giving a huge ass tip purely because she can and that she knows she'll be doing that person a favour. She gets Lindsay to dye her hair once a month and often convinces Ryan to cut it. One time Lindsay cut her fringe wrong, and one time an extremely drunk Jack tried to cut her own hair and practically made herself bald.

 

Geoff's not too sure when he decided a suit would be his primary outfit. It has its pros and cons and every other usual outfit. Sure wearing a suit constantly gets pretty damn annoying; but it's fancy, and Geoff likes that it's fancy. If Jack springs a date on him mid-heist (which she never has, but Geoff's awaiting the day in which she eventually does) he's ready. He probably wouldn't wear the get-up to a date because people know his iconic look now whereas they didn't when he first started wearing it, but he's still ready nonetheless. Geoff also enjoys the looks passers-by give him mid-heist when he - a man in a suit - walks out of a bright pink car. 

 

* * *

 

The Ball De Amor.

 

The crew never really understood why anyone had to go to a ball, let alone why it was about love. But the crew had decided that would be their newest heist; two people get in, one person mingles and distracts while the other gets what they need, get out, heist complete. It's called the ball of love and thus Geoff thought it would be a genius idea to pair Ryan and Jeremy together. Obviously.

 

Outside, Jeremy and Ryan stand together; admiring the people entering the ball de amor. Jeremy's wearing a suit; a mix of purple bottoms, orange shoes with purple pattern, a purple suit jacket with similar orange pattern on it with a plain white shirt underneath. Ryan's wearing what also contributes to his aesthetic; black bottoms, black shoes with red pattern, a black suit jacket, a black and red tie and a plain white shirt underneath. 

 

Jeremy’s touching up his minimal makeup when Ryan notices his hair.

 

"What is that?" Ryan asks him.

 

"Oh this?" Jeremy asks, pointing at his hair while holding his foundation brush, careful not to get any on anywhere but his face. He smirks, "I sprayed a bit of it yellow, it'll come out in the wash but it's so cool!" He moves his head closer to Ryan, “I’m shaving it eventually, so I might as well have fun while I still have it!"

 

"It looks like dandruff,” Jeremy nudges him, going back to putting the finishing touches on his face as he looks through his compact mirror that Jacke once got him for christmas; purple, with the inscribing JND on the back of it in orange, something Geoff once joked meant just not done. He closes the compact, opening his purse and putting the brush and mirror inside of it, closing it and grabbing Ryan's bag from him, putting the purse inside of it. He closes Ryan's bag and holds his hand out, "Come on, partner."

 

Ryan turns on his earpiece to Geoff laughing and Michael talking about how he'd suck someones dick. "Ah, shit, ok you two; go ahead!" Jack yells into the earpiece, far too loud for both Jeremy and Ryan to not wince a little.

 

Ryan holds onto Jeremy’s hand, "Come on, partner." They walk side by side, hand in hand into the mansion, Jeremy admiring everything. Ryan laughs at him, "You're not a magpie, Jeremy." Ryan sighs, "Please stop gawping at everything in sight."

 

"But Ryan, look at that food!" Ryan looks at what Jeremy's been looking at; a whole load of food Jeremy will have no trouble spending his entire time here eating.

 

"Alright, I'll be five minutes, just need a quick...shake." Ryan pulls Jeremy in for a hug and leans into his ear, "If I'm not back in ten come find me."

 

"Got it," Ryan let's go and smiles, "See you soon, honey!"

 

"Honey?" Ryan asks, "Really?" Jeremy shrugs, watching as Ryan laughs, turning around and walking away to a door at the end of the room.

 

"Ok, Jeremy,” Gavin comes in on his earpiece, "Just play it cool." Just play it cool. Just play it cool. Just play it cool. Just play it cool. Jeremy repeats Gavin’s words in his head as he walks on over and buys himself a jack and coke; presuming that he can at least have one drink while waiting for this whole night to be over. He takes occasional sips of the drink as he admires the food on offer, unsure of how much he should attempt to put on a plate and try to eat before it's time for himself and Ryan to leave. He chooses to not eat, instead he walks around admiring the art on the walls, pretending to read the quotes and paragraphs long of explanations besides them while Geoff, Alfredo and Jack discuss who they'd snog, marry or avoid out of the lads.

 

Ten minutes later Jeremy’s learned a lot. Alfredo would snog Jeremy, marry Michael and avoid Gavin. Geoff would snog Michael, marry Jeremy and avoid Gavin. Jack would snog Jeremy, marry Michael and avoid Gavin. Jeremy finishes his jack and coke, giving the empty glass to a man whose apparent job at the place was to just take away empty glasses when people had finished with them; at least that's what it seemed as people kept placing them on his tray. After telling the man he didn't want a refill, Jeremy walks where he saw Ryan walk; to the door at the end of the room. He opens the door and walks in. Jeremy finds Ryan in a closet that's besides the door. He slams the door shut behind him and Ryan turns around, holding a mop in his one hand and a box in the other. "Shhhh," Ryan hushes him, "They can't know we're here, and I didn't even know that was you!" Ryan turns back around, finally fitting the box in his bag and closing it.

 

"What's in the box?” Jeremy asks, whispering as well.

 

"Our way out of here." Ryan turns back around to face him, smirking.

 

"Hell yeah!” Jeremy yells a little too loud as someone begins to mess with the door Jeremy originally used to get in. Ryan decides now is the best time to think on his feet. He grabs Jeremy, pulls him into the closet and shuts the door. Luckily the door makes little to no noise. Jeremy and Ryan stand in a dark closet as Ryan fumbles around on the wall, finding a switch and turning it on; the one bulb dangling down illuminates so little that they can just about see each other as they hear the door Jeremy had opened open, footsteps walking in.

 

They're followed by another pair of footsteps that sound lighter, smaller. Both people laugh; one male, one female. "Did you hear that?" The man asks. "There was a noise in here earlier, one of the men questioned it." Jeremy and Ryan watch each other, hoping, praying the random people just leave them be.

 

"Did you check the closet?"

 

"No."

 

It's the only conversation that both of them hear before Ryan's pulling either side of Jeremy's suit jacket towards him, placing his lips onto his as Jeremy wraps his arms around him and leans into the kiss, both of their eyes shutting as they listen to one of the people fumbling with a set of keys. The woman mutters something neither of them hear as the door opens, both the woman and man gasping and saying something Spanish both of them don't understand. Neither of them let go, the kiss only getting more and more intense as Jeremy moves his hands towards the sides of Ryan's suit jacket and tries pulling it off. "Sorry, sorry!" The woman yells, shutting the closet door and pushing the man - now yelling and protesting something in Spanish - away from the closet. Jeremy smirks as Ryan's jacket successfully falls to the floor of the closet. Jeremy's hands now fall to Ryan's shirt, undoing a button as they both listen as the door both the people came through opens to the party in full swing. Jeremy rapidly undoes the rest of Ryan's shirt buttons while Ryan moves his legs so it’s now in-between Jeremy's legs, gently rocking back and fourth. They hear the door shut as Ryan pulls away from Jeremy, the room now filled with both of them panting, Ryan still rocking.

 

"Fuck"

* * *

 

 

Michael feels coolness on his face as the night time air hits him, standing and admiring everyone around him. It's a Sunday night and pretty damn late - 2.45am - So of course the majority of people typically hustling and bustling in their usual 9 to 5s are asleep. But Michael's drunk, looking around, trying to give a reason to throw a punch- a reason to knock someone out. He hasn't yet thought of one. Jeremy and Gavin appear behind him moments later, Gavin tugging on his jacket in an attempt to pull him away from where he's standing; resulting unsuccessful. Michael's still stood, looking at a crowd of guys opposite them. Jeremy stands in front of drunk Michael, shaking his head. "No, Michael." Jeremy begins, "You're not fighting anyone tonight."

 

Michael raises his hand in the air and laughs at himself. It's a very obvious drunk laugh, tears appearing in the crinkles of his eyes as he waves his hand in the air, causing a draft. "I'm gonna fiiiight!" Michael yells, "Fiiiight!" Jeremy and Gavin can only watch in confusion as Michael continues to wave his hand in the air. "Fiiiight!" Jeremy decides then to grab Michael, because it's the only way he'll get him to walk away from the group of people now watching them. In that same moment, Michael puts his arm down and backs away from Jeremy, falling into Gavin who's unable to support him as both of them fall onto the floor.

 

This gets a resounding oooh from the crowd of people - mainly the guys who ooh'd at that. So Michael does what Michael does best when people laugh at him. He stands to his feet and walks on over to them as Jeremy's helping Gavin up off of the floor. "Got a fucking problem here fellas?" Michael asks, looking at them all individually- not really noticing much difference in all of them. Similar amount of tattoos, similar lack of hair and similar outfit choices. "Sorry, there's a bitch too." Michael spits out when he notices the woman in front of him.

 

She gasps, pushing past the guys in-between them and shrieks something with quite delight. It's in Russian, so Michael can't understand her. He just looks at her, confused, as she mutters on again, talking to the guy besides her. She looks back at Michael. "Cunt." She says, her accent extremely prominent and obvious if it wasn't already. Michael smiles, taking one step back as Jeremy and Gavin finally join him. "Run along with your pretty boys," She waves her hand, "Would hate for any of you to fuck up your hair."

 

That's it, Michael decides. He takes two steps forward and ends up almost face to face to the woman- only a few inches changing that. Even with the guy standing in-between them Michael's extremely close to her. Michael looks at the guy blocking his contact to her. "Hey mate, dude, whatever Russian's say; do me a favour and run in some other direction so I can beat your dumb fucking whore up." The guy looks over at another guy, who looks at another guy, who looks at another guy, who looks at the woman in question.

 

She tilts her head to her right, whispering something Russian into the guy in-between themes ear. He nods as the men around them walk away in defeat, headed for a bar. Gavin wraps an arm around Jeremy as they watch everyone leave until it's just the four of them. "I gave you what you want." She says, "They're all gone, and now you can do it." So Michael does. He punches her stomach first, aiming for her right side as she groans. She kicks his head with her right leg as Jeremy and Gavin watch, Gavin filming and Jeremy ringing Jack to ask them to get picked up; explaining that Michael may need some medical attention.

 

She goes to punch Michael's head with her left hand but he ducks, kicking her legs as she falls to her knees. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" She yells to herself as she looks up at Michael. "I'm no bitch!" She yells, punching him so hard he falls straight onto the floor. She kicks him; in the gut first, then a knee, then his dick and then his head. Jeremy - still on the phone with Jack - confirms that Michael will indeed need medical attention after this. When Michael doesn't move from his laid out position on the floor she puts her legs either side of him, sitting on top of him. "Oh, poor boy." She whispers, "What was it you said?" She asks, laughing as she remembers. "Oh yeah, do me a favour and run in some other direction so I can beat your dumb fucking whore up!" She laughs again, stroking Michael's cheek with her finger, "Oh pretty boy, you really don't have a clue." She stands up, kicking his stomach one last time. "Asshole." She mutters, walking away.

 

Gavin's immediately on the floor besides Michael, holding his hand and kissing his face, hoping it'll somehow help soften the blow of defeat. Michael smiles, "I'm good, boi." Michael says hoping to reassure Gavin, but the lack of any tone in his voice reveals that surely isn't the case. He looks over at Jeremy just as he and Jack end their phone call. "Am I going to be rescued?" Michael asks, laughing slightly, "Like some fucking celebrity who might get mobbed if they leave their house?"

 

"No," Jeremy begins, walking over to the two of them, "You look more like the celebrity who just got mobbed."

 

* * *

 

Ryan and Jeremy are at 147 Stateview Side: Ryan lying on the mattress in the living room and Jeremy sat on the floor besides him. The room is cold due to it being the rear-end of October, both of them covered in blankets and jumpers.

 

"I know how you feel with a gun in your hand, knowing you’re about to kill someone. You’re quick, you know your movements, you know what you’re about to do. You’re not shaking up a storm and panicking. You understand what's gone on. You understand who you're about to kill. You understand everything."

 

Jeremy sighs, "Is this your weird way of giving me therapy?"

 

Ryan looks over at him, "Is it working?"

 

"Not at all."

 

Ryan sighs, sitting up. He looks over at a bag Jeremy brought with him. Just a few essentials and some stuff to make the place theirs. He stands up, walks on over to it and opens the bag. He takes out a photo of Gavin, Michael and Jeremy. It’s a selfie Gavin’s taking. He’s smiling while in the background Michael’s throwing a molotov at a police officer and Jeremy’s laughing so much that his cowboy hats falling of of his head. “You kept this?" Ryan asks, looking back at Jeremy, "After all this time?”

 

Jeremy smiles as he looks at the photo Ryan's questioning, "That photos been to four penthouses, three hideouts and survived a gun fight. It’s a piece of history, Ryan!"

 

“But, why keep it?” Ryan asks, “There’s so many photos of the lads, why this one?”

 

“It was my introduction to the lads, I couldn’t not keep it.”

 

Ryan smiles at him. “In that case,” He begins, standing up and placing the photo above the fireplace, “It deserves pride of place.”

 

"Little bit weird." Jeremy admits, "LIke; here's the man you're cheating on, the day you both met."

 

"We can move it later," Ryan shrugs, "I just wanted to put it somewhere because it’s a memory, and fuck knows we need some good ones right about now.”

 

“Like that time Jack bought us all ice cream?”

 

Ryan laughs, “Yeah, if you’re a child.” Jeremy frowns jokingly, standing up and walking towards him. “I was thinking about the time we decided for one Halloween to dress up as each other and choose names out of a hat.”

 

“Oh god, yeah.” Jeremy remembers, laughing as he stands besides Ryan. “Geoff did not look good in purple and orange.”

 

“And you did not look good in a hawaiian shirt.”

 

“Hey, I pulled it off!” Jeremy yells at him, nudging him, “Meanwhile those shorts did not fit you.”

 

“They were Gavins, and he’s a twig- of course they didn’t fit!”

 

Jeremy laughs, “I will never forget Jack in all black in my life. It’s just not very Jack.”

 

“We may sound the same, but in look we couldn’t be more different.” Jeremy laughs. Both know they should probably mention how Michael pulled off looking like Geoff quite scarily, though the fake beard probably helped a bunch.

 

* * *

 

“So,” Jeremy sighs, the therapist tilting her head slightly. “What do you think?

 

She leans back in her seat and sighs. “Well, h e seems to take a masochistic delight in confronting uncomfortable truths."

 

“What?” Jeremy asks, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, what does that mean in simple human speak?"

 

She laughs. "Masochistic, deriving sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation. Basically, he seems to have some kind of hard on whenever he admits how many people he's killed since joining the crew."

 

Jeremy leans back in the chair, "Fuck.”


	6. Chapter 6

he screams and yells

as you sit back and listen

to every word he says

the glow makes you glisten

 

* * *

 

 

Jeremy and Ryan end up in a place neither have ever gone to before that Geoff recommended one time. It's expensive. One of those expensive places that has lobsters in tanks that they take out to cook to order. They sit opposite each other and order champagne, diet coke and a food share platter. As their waiter finishes pouring their drinks into their glasses, Jeremy sighs.

 

“Do you think everything will ever be fine?"

 

“World hunger, poverty,  I'mma go with no."

 

Jeremy rolls his eyes, “I mean the crew, us, this...thing."

 

Ryan shrugs, “Probably, eventually, yeah."

 

“Does he have anyone?” Jeremy asks, “Like, to talk to and that."

 

“I guess Michael.” Ryan shrugs, “But we’re not here to talk about that.”

 

“It’s..helping.” Jeremy sighs, “This - talking about literally anything else - is taking my mind off of what’s been going on.”

 

Ryan tilts his head slightly, "Talking about Gavin is taking your mind off of Gavin?”

 

"Kind of."

 

* * *

 

"Can we skip dessert?" Jeremy asks when the waiter hands both he and Ryan dessert menus, looking over at Ryan.

 

Ryan tilts his head, "Why?" The waiter looks at Jeremy too, a puzzled look on his face.

 

Jeremy shrugs, "I just remembered a cake I have in the fridge for you, and how someone else will eat it if you don't," Jeremy looks towards the waiter, "No offence." The waiter gets the bill and after an argument that feels like it lasts for twenty minutes they split the bill and leave.

 

"I'm the cake," Jeremy admits as they’re walking back, "The dessert."

 

"Oh." Ryan mutters, stopping as Jeremy sighs. “You’re far too drunk.”

 

Jeemy frowns. They finally arrive and Jeremy looks for his keys. Can’t find them. It’s 1.45am and Jeremy’s realised he’s lost his fucking keys. Even worse, Ryan has too. Not 147 keys, but penthouse keys. Important keys. Keys they kind of need to never lose incase another crew find them, get them and realise who they belong to. Now its 1am, Jeremy’s drunk, they’re both key-less and Ryan’s debating breaking in. Breaking in to the penthouse. The place with so many secret guns, bullets, knives and other weapons that it's frankly amazing that someone hasn't accidentally died.

 

“Ring Geoff, Jeremy.” Ryan sighs, grabbing Jeremy’s phone from his bag. “Beguile him to waking up and letting us in.”

 

“Beguile?” Jeremy asks, smirking and wrapping his arms around Ryan, “What does that mean?”

 

Ryan sighs. “I’m basically asking you to charm him.”

 

Jeremy places one of his legs between Ryan’s, “Got any other relevant words?”

 

“Fatuous.”

 

“Meaning?”

 

Ryan looks down at both their legs, “That whatever you’re trying to do right now is silly, pointless.”

 

“I’m  _ trying _ to turn you on.”

 

Ryan laughs, “How drunk are you?”

 

“Enough.”

 

“This...thing, is viable, does that work for you?”

 

“But what does it mean though?”

 

Ryan sighs, “Capable of working successfully,”

 

Jeremy smirks, “Noted.”

 

The penthouse door opens to Jack, stood with a white towel wrapped around her body and another around her hair. “Jeremy, what the fuck are you doing?” Jack asks, watching Jeremy rock his leg back and fourth between Ryan’s legs.

 

“He’s drunk,” Ryan sighs, “Found him outside here on the floor looking for his key.”

 

“Any success?”

 

“Nope, and I can’t find mine either.”

 

Jack sighs, “Come in, we’ll sort something.” Jack walk inside as Ryan pushes Jeremy off of him, who frowns. Ryan follows behind Jack as Jeremy follows behind him, shutting the door loudly.

 

“Jeremy!” Ryan whispers, “Could you be a little quieter?!”

 

“Geoff’s awake” Jack admits.

 

“Sorry,” Jeremy mutters.

 

“Not you,” Jack laughs, “Come on, look for yourself.” Ryan and Jeremy follow Jack as she leads them both to Geoff’s office. In which, Geoff is writing on piece after piece after piece of paper.

 

“What’s he doing?” Ryan whispers.

 

“Writing a book, asshole.” Geoff mutters, not looking up from the paper he’s focused on.

 

Jeremy looks around the room at the several drawings of snakes: all signed by J. Doolz - him. “About snakes?”

 

“Yep!” Geoff yells, clapping his hands and standing up, placing his pen behind his ear, “All about how to avoid them and when they’re most likely to attack!”

 

“Got a name?”

 

“Snakes by Thomas J Murray.”

 

“Who?” Ryan asks him.

 

“My pseudonym.”

 

“His  _ what _ ?” Jeremy asks, looking at Ryan and smirking.

 

Ryan sighs, “Pseudonym, basically just him usually a fake name.”

 

“You betcha! This way I’m Thomas, retired athlete and regular golf fanatic. Not Geoff, crew and crime man!”

 

Jack laughs, “That sounds like a superhero,”

 

“Introducing crew and crime man!” Jermey yells, “Here to solve crimes with his crew. Also, he’s a man!”

 

“Assholes, at least Ryan understands.”

 

“You couldn’t pay me to read what you’re gonna write.”

 

“Jeremy wrote nine books, illustrated 12 and printed 48 special editions, and you’re telling me you won’t read my one book?”

 

"I didn't even read any of Jeremy's!" Ryan admits.

 

"Ryan!" Jeremy frowns.

 

"Even Gavin did." Jack points out.

 

"Yeah but Gavin’s sucking his dick or whatever," Geoff muters, "He kind of has to read his shit."

 

“Please stop calling what I put out into the world shit.”

 

* * *

 

“Ryan?" Jeremy asks from the mattress, watching some random Futurama episode that's on repeat again.

 

"Jeremy?" Ryan asks.

 

"Do you honestly think he'll find out?"

 

"Who?"

 

Jeremy sighs, turning away from the tv and facing him, "Gavin. You know, the guy I'm lying to and saying I'm walking around thinking about life stuff and my mental health when in reality I'm coming here and hanging out with someone whose mental health is worse than mine."

 

"No, I don't think he will," Ryan admits, sitting on the mattress beside him.

 

"But you can't guarantee that he won't."

 

"Jeremy," Ryan begins, holding Jeremy’s hands in his, "I won't let him."

 

"But how?" Jeremy asks, "What can you possibly do to make sure he doesn't find out?"

 

"Jeremy, just believe me." Ryan sighs, "He won't, I promise you."

 

* * *

 

It's Saturday morning, around about 8am. Jeremy walks into the kitchen wearing just boxers, choosing to make two coffees; whether Ryan damn wants one or not. He places the cap in the machine and placing a mug under it, pressing a button as he hears someone walk into the kitchen. He looks over to see Ryan smiling, wearing Jeremy’s old grey hoodie and boxers; neither of which really fit. Ryan sleepily waves, walking over to him and wrapping his arms around him, kissing his forehead. "Morning, J." He says, sleep dripping in his voice. Jeremy smiles as the coffee finishes pouring. He points at it as Ryan shrugs, letting go of Jeremy and approaching the coffee. He smiles it, almost immediately gagging and putting it back down, shaking his head. "Nope," Ryan mutters, "That's yours."

 

Jeremy laughs, wrapping his arms around Ryan and kissing his neck as Ryan murmurs something Jeremy doesn't understand. "What was that?" Jeremy asks, laughing as Ryan grabs onto one of Jeremy’s arms that's wrapped around him.

 

"Jeremy,” Ryan mutters, "I'm..It's so early." Ryan groans, his grip on Jeremy’s arm tightening as he sighs, looking at the floor. "How the fuck did you manage to make me this hard this quick?" Jeremy laughs into Ryan’s neck, biting down on it this year as Ryan groans.

 

Jeremy tuns Ryan around to face him, pushing him up against one of the kitchen counters as smiles, wrapping his arms around him. "I've been told I have that effect on people," Jeremy says, intentionally sticking his leg in-between Ryan’s and moving it up and down, watching as Ryan shuts his eyes and grabs onto Jeremy’s arms. Ryan opens his eyes again, looking at Jeremy as he smirks. Ryan rubs his leg up against Jeremy’s, watching him shut his eyes as Jeremy’s head falls to Ryan’s shoulder. "We should go somewhere else." Jeremy whispers, kissing his shoulder as Ryan smiles.

 

* * *

 

After Jeremy and now Geoff's story ideas getting blasted by the crew, it's now Lindsay's turn for a story idea. She initiates a meeting. "So it's about a cat who makes coffee!" Lindsay cheers. Geoff immediately leaves the room laughing.

 

"Lindsay," Jack begins, ignoring Geoff, "Carry on."

 

"So," Lindsay takes a deep breath, "Misty the munchkin cat brews coffee at some coffee place - currently unnamed."

 

"Coffee and cat?" Gavin asks.

 

"Too obvious."

 

"Coffcat?" Michael says.

 

"Too weird."

 

"Catastrophe?" Ryan suggests.

 

"Too...Ryan," Lindsay shakes her head, "Anyway, Misty's the owner of the coffee place and eventually a dog comes in!"

 

"Oh no!" Jeremy yells.

 

"I know, disaster! Misty has only ever served cats, how can she serve a dog?!" Lindsay laughs. "So Cameron the Pembroke Welsh corgi, he comes in all mysterious and stuff, no one knows why he's there but he is."

 

"So then what?" Jeremy asks, genuinely intrigued.

 

"Misty gets Sam the Siamese cat and Ross the Russian blue cat-"

 

"Who and who?" Gavin asks.

 

"Her cat posse, duh - to throw Cameron out."

 

"So?" Michael asks.

 

"The end!"

 

"That was a dreadful ending!" Gavin yells.

 

"Yeah!" Ryan yells in agreeance, "The racist cat learned nothing!"

 

"Misty is not racist, Ryan!" Lindsay argues.

 

Michael stands up. "If Misty won't serve coffee to a dog then Misty is fucking racist! Misty more like mistreat every other god damn animal on planet fucking earth!" Michael yells, “Ridiculous!”

 

"Misty just wants to know how to make dogs coffee!" Lindsay yells.

 

"She could've asked! Trained for something!" Jack points out.

 

"What if that happens, is a bad experience, so then she goes on a cat coffee course-" Jeremy tries to suggest.

 

"A cat coffee course!" Gavin laughs, "This story is ridiculous!"

 

"So then she learns how to make every animal coffee and runs a successful business?"

 

"Jeremy, that's not realistic."

 

"A magical cat who can make coffee in a town full of cats learning how to make coffee for other animals isn't realist, but the cat being racist and not serving a dog is?!” Michael asks.

 

“People are racist!” Ryan says, now standing, “Apparently in your universe cats are too!”


	7. Chapter 7

i can't see him

but i can see you

i want to cry out

i loved you too

 

* * *

 

It's dark. The lighting in the penthouse makes it so that when Jeremy walks into the kitchen at 4.42 in the morning to Gavin sat at the kitchen table that he can just about see his silhouette. Gavin silently looks up at him, smiles slightly, waves and returns back to looking at the table. Jeremy approaches him and looks at Gavin's phone, watching him read an article about himself. Whenever Gavin's upset he reads articles about the crew, himself, anyone he knows that he could then afterwards tell about the article. It’s something that relaxes him. It’s a weird thing, everyone knows, but nonetheless he does it.

 

“I’m gonna head out,” Jeremy says, “I need to go do some stuff.”

 

Gavin looks towards him as Jeremy gets his phone out of his pocket- presumably to check something. “Me too,” Gavin waves, looking back towards his phone, “Just thought I’d do some light reading first.”

 

“Gavin-”

 

“I’m fine,” Gavin says. “I’m good, J.”

 

“J?” Jeremy asks. “Bit of a shit nickname don’t you think?”

 

“Yeah,” Gavin laughs, standing up, “See you later, lil J.”

 

“See you later, Gav.”

 

* * *

 

Everyone sits in the meeting room and waits when Geoff walks in wearing beach gear. Michael makes some comment about how this absolutely shouldn’t be the point of topic for a meeting. They’re about five minutes into the meeting when Jack starts shaking in her seat. She raises her hand as the meeting pauses, everyone looking towards her. “Does anyone know where Ryan is?” Jack asks. “He’s usually here by now making some comment about how this meeting is pointless and he could be doing something better with his life.” Jack sighs. “But the man would never miss a meeting.”

 

“When is the last time anyone saw him?” Geoff asks. No one replies as everyone simply looks around the room. “Fuck!” Geoff yells. “He’s fucking left us!”

 

Lindsay, who’s looking outside, sighs. “Geoff,” She turns to face everyone. “His bikes outside.”

 

“He wouldn’t leave without it.” Gavin points out.

 

“A crews got him.” Geoff sighs. “A crews got him and they’ve probably killed him and-”

 

“Geoff!” Jeremy yells. “We don’t know he’s dead!”

 

“So what now do we do genius?” Geoff asks.

 

“Uh.” Jeremy says. He sighs. Jeremy looks towards Jack, “Jack, you ring the police and explain.” He turns to Gavin, “Gavin, you and Michael get the tracking from Ryan’s bike and phone and try to figure out where the fuck he is.” He looks towards Lindsay. “Lindsay, make sure Geoff isn’t going to have a fucking panic attack.”

 

“What about you?” Jack asks.

 

“Me?” Jeremy asks, turning to face Jack. “I’m gonna try and get him back.”

 

* * *

 

Jeremy sits in the police chair on his own in a dimly lit room as he sighs. Coming here feels pointless considering the police could easily jail him right now. But the crew needs to get Ryan back. He needs to get Ryan back.

 

The door opens as Miles walks in. “Alright, Jeremy.” He sighs, sitting opposite him. “So you’re telling me Ryan, one of the most wanted people in the goddamn city, is just..gone?”

 

“Yeah.” Jeremy admits. “It’s not a runaway case either.”

 

“How so?” Miles asks, leaning back in his chair.

 

“Well, Ryan has a bike. He loves that bike. He even gave it some stupid name and spends a ridiculous amount of money on it.”

 

“Ok,” Miles nods, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

 

“Lindsay saw it outside the penthouse when he wasn’t there. He wouldn’t just leave the bike there. If he was running away he’d take the bike.”

 

“You said to my team Gavin has tracking his bike and phone, both of which have come up dry. Correct?”

 

Jeremy sighs, “Correct.”

 

“Maybe he knew. He knew that he was tracking his shit and wanted to be completely off the radar.” Miles shrugs. “It happens a lot in runaway cases.” He laughs. “But it doesn’t really seem like such a case.”

 

“How so?” Jeremy asks.

 

“His bike outside the penthouse, his phone in your bedroom.” He leans in. “Seems a bit suspicious from my point of view, don’t you think?”

 

“What?” Jeremy asks. “No, I!” Jeremy yells. “Miles, I didn’t do it!”

 

Miles leans back, “So if you didn’t, who did?”

 

Jeremy leaves the police station twenty minutes later, less hopeful than before. No one wants to help. No one knows where he is. No one really cares. This is fucking hopeless.

 

* * *

 

Michael immediately gets a can of beer for himself and Jeremy from the fridge, throwing Jeremy’s at him and accidentally hitting him in the face. Jeremy frowns and throws a pillow at him, missing. "Oh no, a pillow!” Michael yells, dodging the bright pink, fluffy thing heading in his direction. Michael scoffs, “Moron.” Jeremy threatens to throw his entire drink all over Michael. Meanwhile Jack has sat on the couch watching whatever television show Gavin had put on- something about cooking, Jack absolutely is not listening. Geoff comes and sits besides Jack, handing Gavin a beer from behind Jack’s head.

 

“Is this Masterchef?” Geoff asks, tilting his head as though it would help indicating the show.

 

Gavin takes the drink from Geoff, “Celebrity Masterchef UK from 2014, apparently.”

 

“Celebrities? I don’t know a single person that’s been on screen yet!” Geoff yells.

 

“That’s the whole point Geoff, it’s UK bullshit only Gavin would understand.” Michael mutters.

 

“Yeah, but Ryan would be like.” Jeremy straightens up, attempting to begin his accent, “Oh, him, yeah no one knows him. None of these people are real celebrities because I don’t know them!” Michael’s stood next to him and cackling while Geoff and Jack are still watching the television in absolute confusion.

 

“Where is the shit?” Geoff asks, taking a sip of his drink.

 

“I’m right here.” Jeremy says, tutting as he holds his hands out.

 

“Gross.” Michael laughs besides him, “I don’t think he’s gonna fucking hug you dude, no matter how much you try.” Jeremy looks sad. Geoff doesn’t notice.

 

“No dumbasses,” Geoff begins, standing up and walking to put his (now empty) diet coke in the bin, “I meant Ryan.”

 

Everyones sad. He’s still missing and no one has a damn clue where the fuck he could be/

 

“We should go look for him if he isn’t back soon,” Jack mutters from the couch.

 

“Nah dude, fuck him. Mans not an idiot." Geoff begins, "Well he's an idiot yeah, but street smart. He’s not seven anymore, the dickhead can defend himself with that damn knife he carries around the city.”

 

Michael sighs. “You do care, Geoff. We’re not idiots you know.”

 

“So we’re agreed.” Jeremy begins, “If he’s not back by the time Jack is awake then, and only then, will we go looking; yeah?” Everyone in the room nods to that suggestion and all head off to bed.

 

* * *

 

Jeremy wakes up the next day in the penthouse. It’s quiet. Oddly quiet. Usually Jack’s awake making noise purposely to wake someone up. But now there’s nothing. Not even Geoff yelling at something. Or Michael laughing. Or Gavin being called an idiot. Or Ryan. Ryan doing anything. Jeremy gets out of the bed and walks into the kitchen. He tries to turn a light on but fails. The switch is wet. He wonders why. He gets his phone out of his pocket and uses the flashlight on his phone to look at the switch. He gasps.

 

Blood. It’s still wet. He looks around the rest of the kitchen and the entire place is covered.

 

“Geoff?” Jeremy asks, running into Jack and Geoff’s room. “Jack?” Nothing. He rusn to Michael’s room. “Michael?” Now Gavin’s. “Gavin?” He doesn’t see anyone at all. Nothing. Not a single person. He walks towards Ryan’s bedroom a hears something so he opens the door. He opens the door to Michael, lying on the floor, looking at him and holding his hand out. “Fuck!” Jeremy yells, running towards him and holding onto his hand as he tries to ring an ambulance and cops with his other phone. Turns out, whoever did this turned off the wifi. “Fuck,” Jeremy mutters.

 

Michael wraps his hand around Jeremy’s. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Michael,” Jeremy smiles, “You didn’t do this.”

 

“It’s my fault.”

 

“Michael,” Jeremy sighs, “I don’t know whos doing this, who did this or why they did.” He turns the flashlight off of his phone. “But I promise, you’re not the reason.” Michael shuts his eyes and Jeremy turns his flashlight back on in panic. “Michael?” Nothing. “Michael!” Jeremy yells, shaking him. Nothing. Not a single thing.

 

Eventually, Jeremy lets go of Michael’s hand and stands up. Fuck.

 

* * *

 

As he walks there he wonders. He wonders about Michael, Geoff and Jack. Would they have accepted Ryan and Jeremy’s relationship? Would they be there and watch as Ryan and Jeremy be happy while Gavin isn't? He wonders mostly about how Gavin would've reacted. Would he have hated him? Would he have hated Ryan? Would he have been fine would it? Would he turn to drink? Would he turn to drugs? Would he try and kill Ryan himself? Was he actually cheating on him? Was he actually cheating on him with Michael?

 

Questions Jeremy will never ever get an answer to because the people he could ask are all gone.

 

Well.

 

Almost all of them.


	8. Chapter 8

you drip with blood

you look like art

this isn't simple

it's a change of heart

 

* * *

 

147 is quiet. Almost silent. Almost. The sound of Ryan coughing and being pulled towards a corner of the room as he sighs. Ryan looks up at him. "What happened?" Silence. Ryan sighs. “Silent treatment, I get it.” Ryan nods, holding his head. "Fuck," He mutters, "I shouldn't have done that.” He leans towards Ryan and kisses his forehead. Ryan sighs. “You know, don’t you?”

 

"I've known since day one." Gavin smiles. "The entire time post-heist when Jeremy ignored me. He didn't even wave goodbye when he took Lindsay home." Gavin shakes his head. "Sure you two weren't doing anything then; but our relationship was pretty lacklustre when you think about it," Gavin sits opposite him on the floor. "But nothing compared to yours, huh?" Gavin asks, laughing. "Well, at least Jeremy could be intimate with someone; even if it wasn't his boyfriend."

 

"I'm-"

 

"Sorry?" Gavin asks. "Didn't mean it?" He laughs. "You shagged my boyfriend countless times, and I'm meant to just sit here and forgive you?" Ryan shakes his head, falling backwards because of how much it hurts. Gavin leans towards him and kisses his forehead. "He may have fucked you, but I fucked you up."

 

The door unlocks, and Gavin doesn't even have to look to know it's him.

 

"Jeremy," Gavin smiles, standing up and facing him. "Sit down beside your fuck buddy, or whatever nickname you're going with this side of winter." Jeremy begins to open his mouth but Gavin raises his hand. "I don't care. Sit with him."  Gavin turns back around as Jeremy stays where he is. "Fine." Gavin stands up as he looks at Jeremy. "I stopped giving him his regular pills so everyone thought it was 2013 and he was going a bit mental again." Gavin shrugs, "Cause, you know, mental illness will do that to you after awhile."

 

"Now he's so drugged it'll kill him?" Jeremy asks. Gavin doesn't even have to verbally reply for Jeremy to know that the answer would be yes. "You're a cunt."

 

"Well, you're not getting a Christmas card next year." Jeremy holds the knife to his chest. At some point after Michael he found the knife lying around. Gavin stands Ryan up and smiles at him. Ryan can only watch, unable to even move.

 

"No!" Jeremy screams, running at them both with the knife. Gavin pushes Ryan in front of him as Jeremy pushes the knife forward, his eyes shutting as it hits. The knife hits clothes. The knife hits skin. The knife hits a heart. Jeremy lets go of the knife, backing away as he opens his eyes.

 

Jeremy gasps as Gavin moves away and Ryan falls to the floor right in front of him, attempting to steady his breathing as Gavin laughs beside him. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Jeremy didn't stab Gavin. He fucking stabbed Ryan.

 

"It's pretty cute really," Gavin hums, bending down and looking at Ryan. "You just stabbed the person you've been cheating on me with." Gavin pulls the knife out of Ryan and gently pats his back; causing the gent to fall face-down onto the floor. Gavin chuckles, looking up at Jeremy, "As though I now have no reason to stab you with the knife that stabbed him, hm?" Gavin laughs, pulling Ryan back towards him. "He didn't tell you, did he?" Gavin asks.

 

"Tell me what?" Ryan groans, holding his chest as Gavin laughs.

 

"You see, Rye-bread." Gavin begins, kneeling beside him. "We were gonna invite you, make a sort of polyamorous thing about it. The three of us, the trio no one wanted or really cared about."

 

"Gavin-" Jeremy mutters.

 

"I admit that I lie a lot," Gavin smiles, kissing Ryan's cheek as he looks up at Jeremy. "But that's not bullshit, is it lil J?"

 

"Don't do this," Jeremy mutters, shaking his head. "Don't. Don't do this, Gavin."

 

"Jeremy said no to being polyamorous with you," Gavin mutters, standing up as he does; Ryan's body falling forwards. "Said it'd be stupid," He begins, walking towards the other lad, "Said we'd break up, that one of us would fall in love with you and fall out of love with the other." He stops when his chest touches Jeremy’s, the lad looking up at him. "Oh," Gavin laughs, wrapping an arm about Jeremy's neck, "Talk about irony."

 

Why?" Jeremy asks, "Why the fuck did you do it?"

 

"You stabbed him, Jeremy." Gavin laughs, "You killed him, not me." He smiles. "You know what this proves?"

 

"What?" Jeremy asks, "That I never did love him? Because I did that?"

 

"No," Gavin mutters, "Despite what you did, despite what happened, I still love you," Gavin admits. "I forgive you because you put an end to it." He points towards Ryan with the hand that's holding the knife. Jeremy looks at the man, frowning. Gavin smiles, kissing Jeremy's cheek. "This proves that we were meant to be together all along."

 

Jeremy gets the knife from Gavin's hands and throws it towards the opposite side of the room, the knife clattering to the floor as both men scream; Jeremy runs towards the kitchen as Gavin runs towards the knife. "Dooley!" Gavin screams, picking the knife up from the floor as Jeremy grabs a similarly sized knife from the kitchen countertop. Gavin turns round to face him.

 

"Free!" Jeremy yells. "You don't scare me! I don't care how many other people you've killed, you're not doing it to me!"

 

Gavin laughs. "What, you kill the man you've fucked behind my back for a bit and suddenly you're the expert in killing people?" Gavin smiles. "Just look at him, Jeremy. I killed everyone nicer than you did him."

 

"You're...You're.."

 

"A genius?" Gavin asks. "Gavin Free? Insufferable, as Ryan would probably say right now."

 

"Insane," Jeremy mutters. “You’re completely and utterly insane."

 

"Cute." Gavin turns to face Ryan. “He went on and on and on about how he was wrong, how he lied to you and how he was wrong.” Jeremy rushes towards him and grabs the knife off of him. Gavin backs away from him, attempting to grab the clean knife that Jeremy got from the kitchen but fails. Gavin looks towards him. Jeremy walks back to the kitchen as Gavin retrieves the knife Jeremy got from the kitchen.

 

He turns to face Gavin and smiles. "I know what happened," Jeremy says, covering a finger on his right hand with blood from the knife. "I get it." He laughs, placing the bloody finger on his tongue and licking it. Gavin can't look away. Jeremy takes his now wet finger out of his mouth. "Ryan's therapist said one word to describe you. Masochistic," Jeremy admits. "She said it's someone who derives sexual gratification from their own pain or humiliation." Jeremy places his right hand onto the kitchen counter. "But that's not you, not the Gavin I know." Jeremy shakes his head. "You're no masochist. You're the opposite." Jeremy removes his hand from the counter and lowers his left hand, walking away from the kitchen and towards Gavin. "You don't get sexual gratification from your pain or humiliation," Jeremy begins, raising the knife and pressing it to Gavin's chest; not too hard to impale him deeply, but hard enough so he'll at least get a slight scratch from the knife. "You get it from other people's pain or humiliation."   
  


Gavin stabs Jeremy’s hand with the knife he got from the kitchen. Jeremy doesn’t even look at it. Gavin laughs, moving a hand and placing it on to the knife. "Don't laugh at facts, Free." Jeremy spits out, grabbing Gavin's hand with his free one. "You don't like it when you're in pain or when people you care about get randomly killed in a heist." Jeremy begins, "You like it when others are in pain. You like watching people petrified of you, practically wetting themselves because you just looked in their direction. You like heists where you have to get something out of someone, some information for whatever. You like it because you can watch someone be in pain. You can watch as someone gets humiliated, laughing at them when all they can do is watch you, scream at you, beg you to let them go and that they'll tell you anything you want to know." Jeremy shakes his head. "But you kill them anyway. Not for fun or for a number reporters. But you kill them because you can. Because you don't care about them. Because you're so screwed in the head that you don't care who they are, how close you are with them, you'll kill them if it means you're happy."   
  
Jeremy digs his nails into Gavin's hand, watching him hiss as he shuts his eyes. "But you're not happy. You never have been, probably never will be." Jeremy says, digging his nails further into Gavin's hand. "Because you don't take your tablets like a normal damn person, Gavin. Because you never really did. Because you're a goddamn idiot." Jeremy digs his nails in a third time, so deep that he strikes blood as Gavin moans. Jeremy tilts his head. "Maybe masochistic isn't too far off after all, huh?" Jeremy laughs, letting go of Gavin's hand, "Unless you have some weird blood kink. Which if that is the case, save it for yourself in your own time."   
  
"Do it," Gavin mutters, opening his eyes and taking his bloody hand in his other one. "Stab me. End my life. Right here, right now." Gavin smiles, turning his head slightly as he looks at Jeremy with doubt in his eyes; unsure of whether he will actually do it or not. "I deserve it. I want it. I'm depressed. I'm a mess. Just do it already." Jeremy watches Gavin talk, unsure of if he's playing another one of his games or if he's serious. “I already stabbed you and it did nothing, so do it.”

 

* * *

 

The air is cold on his face and the revealed parts of his ripped shirt as he walks, the blood splattered all over his body glistens in the glow of the street lights above him. He'd won. Tonight wasn't a game he planned on playing in, nor was it one he wanted to participate in. But he won. He hates himself for what he's done. He hates how it happened. He hates everything about this. But he fucking won.

 

He thinks of everyone. How they'd feel if they could see him. If they could see what became of the crew. If they could see the situation now. Would Geoff punch him? Would Jack hug him? Would Michael beat him up? Would Lindsay bake cupcakes in celebration? Would Alfredo and Trevor be able to be in the same room with him ever again?

 

He'll never know what the rest of the crew think about this. He'll never know how they feel, how they felt in the moment. How they sounded when everything happened. He stops in his tracks, dropping the knife onto the concrete floor below him. He will never know how anyone feels about this. Because they're fucking dead. Because they're dead and it's his fault.

 

He grabs the knife off of the floor, careful not to stab himself; though the blood would at least explain a part of his nighttime look. He walks again. He doesn't even know where he's going, but he walks nonetheless. He walks and walk and walks down the street until he gets there. The penthouse. He grabs a key from his pocket and unlocks the door, walking in and slamming it shut. He drops the knife again, this time on the wooden floor; that quickly turns bloody with the knife amongst it.

 

He opens the fridge door. He wants something. Needs anything. He finds nothing. He shuts it, walking over to the kitchen as he takes his phone out. No notifications. Of course, the only people who could message him right now are dead. He sighs, putting his phone down on the kitchen table and placing his head in his hands.

 

He won, and if that isn't the worst thing in the world for him right now. Because he can fake it as much as he wants to. He can hold onto the fact that this won't affect him. It's just his luck that he wins when he doesn't want to. It's just his goddamn motherfucking luck.

 

Because Jeremy Dooley finally fucking won something.


End file.
